Pretend

I pretend that I'm okay.
I pretend that I'm fine.
i pretend to love myself
i pretend that everything will be okay
i pretend that i am beautiful.
i pretend not to be sad
i pretend not to be depressed.  
but most of all..
i pretend im not broken
but pretending can be exhausting.
and im getting so tired.
my father once told me..
"you'll wish you're a kid again"
i was such in a hurry to grow up so i can do whatever i want when i want
i lived my life as a kid
i partied  
i drank
i laughed
i cried
i dated
but.
as i grew up being 25 now
half way to 50.
i wish i can go back.
i wish i can go back to school
i wish i didnt have to pay bills  
i wish i didnt have to work
i didnt ask for this
i didnt ask to exist
during my life growing up i lost my mother at a young age
my father was devastated.
i had to make choice.
either stay with him and potentially end up on the streets?
or move out from the house we are losing and get into a apartment?
i chose my second option...
i didnt talk for my father for awhile. it was only recently i started talking to him.
and seeing him like thos..
so low..
never moved on from mother.
i dont believe i moved on from mother.  
i constantly think about her.
and honestly i dont know how to cope with losing her.
i often think about ending my life. as much as i dont want to or hurt the people i love and care about.
im tired.  
physically
and
mentally.
you know when the last time i  cried? like genuinely cried?
3 years ago.
i havnt cried because if i do? i wont be able to think straight i wont be able to control myself.
and when i am finally not strong enough anymore? and i break down? i just want to be held. i just wanna feel safe.
i am lost. and never found.  
 
the category says about me and how i feel about myself.  
well.
i hate myself.
but then again i just pretend.