deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bad Farm
Fifty years have passed
I am back at the farm
My car parked near the driveway
Standing there staring
After avoiding it for so long
Worried about what I would feel
Or meet or do
I need some sort of closure
It hasn't changed much
Just more dilapidated
Even sleazier now
Wife says bad vibes here
A car parked by the house
I wonder if he is there now
Looking at me from window
I hope so as I don't
Lucky him I am a family man
But I expected more rage
Now I am just sort of numb
Searching out for something to feel
Two cars stop just down the road
They are watching me
Good
Let the word get out
There by the rusty roofed cow pen
He wouldn't let me go
Knocked me out cold
One of many times
Over there was the big wood pile
Inside it a hollow
Where he took his younger brothers
I ran that time he came for me
In that field he broke me
Let his little brothers beat me
Or he would worse
I can't forget
His father was the devil
No use complaining to him
Babbled in tongues at church
The bastard
Mother sent a bit of cash monthly
Two months of hell and I had bus fare
Got up at four in the morning
It would be a long walk
I almost made it that afternoon
The Land Rover came racing
It was no good to run
They would get me
The devil called my mother
Lie after lie after lie
He told me what to say
Handed me the phone
I knew a beating would come
But I had to try
They beat me mom I feel so bad
Please come and get me
You be a good boy now son
It's only a month to go
The nice devil explained it all
You have to be obedient
I expected a worse beating
Later I walked in a daze
My world crumbled ruins
There must be a reason for this
Maybe I am Jesus or worse Job
Yeah that's it Job
I must take it all always
I am alone in this world
These memories come back now
Maybe I should leave
The cars are still there on the road
Wife is getting restless
I am never coming back
I am back at the farm
My car parked near the driveway
Standing there staring
After avoiding it for so long
Worried about what I would feel
Or meet or do
I need some sort of closure
It hasn't changed much
Just more dilapidated
Even sleazier now
Wife says bad vibes here
A car parked by the house
I wonder if he is there now
Looking at me from window
I hope so as I don't
Lucky him I am a family man
But I expected more rage
Now I am just sort of numb
Searching out for something to feel
Two cars stop just down the road
They are watching me
Good
Let the word get out
There by the rusty roofed cow pen
He wouldn't let me go
Knocked me out cold
One of many times
Over there was the big wood pile
Inside it a hollow
Where he took his younger brothers
I ran that time he came for me
In that field he broke me
Let his little brothers beat me
Or he would worse
I can't forget
His father was the devil
No use complaining to him
Babbled in tongues at church
The bastard
Mother sent a bit of cash monthly
Two months of hell and I had bus fare
Got up at four in the morning
It would be a long walk
I almost made it that afternoon
The Land Rover came racing
It was no good to run
They would get me
The devil called my mother
Lie after lie after lie
He told me what to say
Handed me the phone
I knew a beating would come
But I had to try
They beat me mom I feel so bad
Please come and get me
You be a good boy now son
It's only a month to go
The nice devil explained it all
You have to be obedient
I expected a worse beating
Later I walked in a daze
My world crumbled ruins
There must be a reason for this
Maybe I am Jesus or worse Job
Yeah that's it Job
I must take it all always
I am alone in this world
These memories come back now
Maybe I should leave
The cars are still there on the road
Wife is getting restless
I am never coming back
Published 13th Jul 2021
Author's Note
i spent 4 summers on a farm as a boy, it was what people did then, send their kids to farms for the summer. 1 summer was pure hell. i revisited it today.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
13th Jul 2021 3:20am
I don't care how old you are; it took courage to go back there. I didn't get the sense you found closure. I'm not sure you can as an adult. I mean, our memory as a kid is different some how. I'm struggling for the right words to describe what I'm trying to say. Anyways, I hope you find peace.
Thank you kindly. Writing this down upset me a great deal. You are kind and probably correct, i will not find closure, trauma leaves scars. What i have is this learned knowledge that it's possible to make good things come out of an awful experience
Anonymous
13th Jul 2021 7:21am
Yeah, no use going back.
Nothing to see, nothing to do.
Just an old broken man, if anything.
Hopefully God has blessed you with a better life.
Nothing to see, nothing to do.
Just an old broken man, if anything.
Hopefully God has blessed you with a better life.
13th Jul 2021 12:11pm
If where i am today is the result of all that has gone before, then i can be content with payments made along the way. It seems to me that so much has to be earned in life, that nothing will come from nothing.
i am happy and feel i have been blessed by God's mercy. Thank you for stopping by and you are right, nothing to see there.
i did see him three years later at his aunties house, where he acted like he was happy to see an old farm buddy. His aunt threw me out of her house because i confronted him and told him i would put him in the ground if we ever met again.
i am happy and feel i have been blessed by God's mercy. Thank you for stopping by and you are right, nothing to see there.
i did see him three years later at his aunties house, where he acted like he was happy to see an old farm buddy. His aunt threw me out of her house because i confronted him and told him i would put him in the ground if we ever met again.
18th Jan 2022 11:16pm
O God Northern 1
First let me say, I'm glad and do hope you've found peace.
We had much the same arrangement here in Ireland decades ago.
And like your horrific story, it was very similar in many cases here too.
I totally agree with your actions at his aunts house, I would not have been able to hold back at all.
As for returning to that farm, I think you were lucky you had your wife with you, it could have been a very different story if she weren't there.
God bless,, stay strong
Love n peace
💜💜💜
First let me say, I'm glad and do hope you've found peace.
We had much the same arrangement here in Ireland decades ago.
And like your horrific story, it was very similar in many cases here too.
I totally agree with your actions at his aunts house, I would not have been able to hold back at all.
As for returning to that farm, I think you were lucky you had your wife with you, it could have been a very different story if she weren't there.
God bless,, stay strong
Love n peace
💜💜💜
19th Jan 2022 2:14pm
Thank you very much for your comment Whyme and greetings to you Celtic cousin.
i found that writing these things down to be therapeutic. i am more at peace afterward than i was before. Sometimes we avoid for so long facing what seems so hard and getting it out there, which in the end is the best for us.
Most kids who were sent to farms had a good experience all in all, but as they say, if there be wickedness, it is best hidden in the rural areas and is often the worst.
Best wishes to you Wyme, i so want to visit Ireland someday
i found that writing these things down to be therapeutic. i am more at peace afterward than i was before. Sometimes we avoid for so long facing what seems so hard and getting it out there, which in the end is the best for us.
Most kids who were sent to farms had a good experience all in all, but as they say, if there be wickedness, it is best hidden in the rural areas and is often the worst.
Best wishes to you Wyme, i so want to visit Ireland someday
