How to be a Jerk Off

Im paralyzed
And so I stay in this pattern
Going around and around
While the muck builds up around me
I can resist it for a while
But when the walls start to cave into my path
Where I cannot continue this pattern
What will happen?
What if I actually get what I want?
I am so comfortable in my failures
So at home in my disappointments
That any sense of success becomes suspicious
How, then, can I manage to sabotage what is good for me?
I am sure if I just spend a little so my bank account goes negative will put me back at ease
Resenting the thing I bought, and pretending to wake up to myself
About my need to have something new
I am sure I can jerk off this feeling away and forget about it