self love for the screw up

Claws sinking into my strongest parts
One hooked between my ribs
Wriggling into my faltering, aching heart

Clouds follow me back from hell
Even in the sunshine
Congregating in my scattered brain cells

Talking and fighting burned out
Even if I fix the train
The track is still rolling South

The silence is so loud
I can hear every caged demon scream
I see the bars failing but I cannot make a sound

There are arms outstretched wide
But I still feel alone
Hoping I am somehow seen but I'm ashamed to show what's inside

I'm grateful for the lessons shown
The people I've met
And the ways I've grown

But something is withering and I just watch it die
I led with my arrogance and bargained with my heart
I've been driven to my knees and billed for the price

I crawled back from hell with a smile
Just to meet the devil in the arms of yet another misplaced lover
When the vision sinks in I'm suddenly powerless as a child

Autopilot is failing and all of hell came through
Every "shoulda, coulda, woulda", every childhood scar, every short coming thus far...
It's all killing me and I don't know what to do.

I knew I'd change, that I'd never be the same
But never thought I would freeze at a crossroads
Surviving the abusive words and tag, the blame game

I'm sifting through past versions of me trying to remind the new one of the living
It's hard to lean on even my trusted ones with a wall built this high
I'm afraid to let you down and being unworthy of forgiving...