dirty laundry

I can't name the day
I can't recall the exact order of events
I've lost tally of who started which fight
I forget the days when they drag on into the night

I can't reiterate word for word how you phrased it,
But I remember the sinking feeling in my chest:
A sensation that's felt like an elevator crashing,
Each time coming from a higher level to send me plummeting.

I can't count how many times I've kicked you out,
But it's not far from number of times you just left with venom in your voice
While I shriveled inside crying ugly, snotty tears.
Still, you twisted the growing knot in my stomach with jabs and jeers.

I can't name the specific arguments when you tell me to name your crimes.
I've named them enough when the wounds were fresh,
Yet even when sobs turned to pleading screams you didn't hear me.
Enough that part of me whisks itself away into hiding even when I'm not the reason you're angry.

My chest shouldn't feel tight every second of each day,
With an instant fight or flight mode at loud voices or slamming objects.
I shouldn't have to convince the inner voice you gave me that it lies
And flogs me again and again even though I've tried to grow from the toxic patterns in my mind.

I guess I should be thankful you don't hit me or choke me.
The way you run with a simple argument all night seems suffice.
I let you in my heart, my home, my bed, my head...
All because I loved you, even if for once I tried to love me instead.

I guess I should admit I brought it on myself, as per usual.
Even the boy I lost my virginity to at sixteen made me cry every night.
Dirt that I've done found me all at once through you.
Ten years you've known me, thought you would comprehend me... But only enough to tear me in two.

The drugs didn't help, yes, I know... far too intimately to deny.
Bit by bit I finished dismantling every dream and safe place left,
A process I had begun long before dancing with the devil and you—
A journey too heavy to hide for long, but it seems there's no safe place to be true.

I know my traumas, mental quirks, my flaws, my strengths,
My failures, my accomplishments, my goals, my heart...
You take the very essence of who I am and stomp it to the ground.
You're blind to what I see, so you speak over my voice to drown what I have found.

Mania and depression have been no stranger to me,
Riding out the highs and lows with whatever my journey brought.
When the road forked like a serpent's suave temptation,
Light came to me in the dark and became my salvation.

Most folks think we're all liars and no goods, (yes, I said we)
But it was there that the dam broke and all of me poured out.
If the world was free, I would scream my story from the towers.
It's this prison of isolation and lies that gives these demons their power.

Even as I write this, I'm stuck and alone.
I know when I've fucked up, and it kills me inside.
I'm building stepping stones for the way out of this hell,
But you wake from even your sleep with a biting word to tell.

My heart races like I should run, but there's nowhere to go.
My head screams like a thousand unspoken truths, but there's no one here.
I sit in the floor rocking with my chest clenching every time you shift or speak.
It's really quite pathetic how mere words can make me weak.

You have no home, no job, no hobbies, no goals...
You hustle for petty cash while I work for all my own.
You've got your demons, same as I,
so who are you to tell me that I've lost my mind?

I had more to say, more truth to get off my chest,
But my chest burns, my body shakes, my eyes are all cried out.
I've proven I'm no better than the next, and it terrifies me for the road ahead.
This unrequited love gone wrong is poisoning my heart and killing my head.

I've grown tired of talking when people's advice remains the same.
They laugh or pity the fool I've become when I repeat this insanity again.
I see the bigger picture and how to reclaim it as mine,
But still my focus and my loneliness battle... Always at the front of my mind.

Karma is beating me down to my knees
While the people around me are loving and supportive,
But I still hold on to my darkest moments dearly.
It's meant to keep me humble, but carrying it costs me dearly.

I feel ashamed of my mistakes
And overwhelmed by what's in front of me.
Every day even on a good one I swallow the doubt and fear,
Hoping someone sees me... And I mean truly sees me for all I hold near and dear.

I've always been free flowing,
Following the pull wherever my youthful heart may lead.
Now I stand where I've come so far... So much to lose, so much to drive me on.
I'm fucking terrified to lose my way  again... Day dream nightmares of when I wake up and all that I love is gone.