Bloody Blue Kaleidoscope

Oh hello to this time once again
Is it very late or very early?
Who knows when it's almost 3 am
Laying here listening to these songs
I haven't heard in so very long
Just trying to grapple my emotions back
They're leaking out through my cracks
And oh god, there's so many cracks now
Feeling like my body has doubled its prison quality
My mind keeps throwing up my memories
Playing them like broken movie clips
Black and white, so full of static you can barely watch
My mind cant stand this present horror
Wishing to go back to when it was all in my mind
Terrors from the past lurking behind my eyes
My life was once all the shades of blues
Colors of depression, shades of ptsd, contrasts of autism
The definition set to adhd and all blended together
But on the other hand the blues represented the goodness
The color of hope was the brightest sky
Cornflowers the color of love, peace, rest in my life
The thousands of blues creating a kaleidoscope
But at least I knew how to function in it
Took solace in my blue world I created
A snowglobe of horror I could process bit by bit
But now it feels like someone poured down;
Spilled that specific deep scarlett of blood
I feel it dripping drop by drop down on me
From somewhere my eyes can't see
Feeling like I'm changing without a choice
I close my eyes and my lungs appear
The clot inside them killing off my cells, Weakening my heart and this body
Demanding my thoughts and attention
Making me so exhausted all the time
I sit and wonder if Id known what I know now
If it would have changed anything before
Would I have done anything differently?
I dont really know if I could have, honestly
But my gods I wish I were just that blue kaleidoscope
Trapped in my snowglobe of a fragile mind
Not this dripping bloody shade of red mess
Smearing my pain on everything I touch
I open my mouth and Im back to coughing up blood
No, Im not the way that I used to be
My blues are being fucked up by all of this
I don't Feel like I am blue anymore
And all I can say is someone please help me
Tell me Im still blue somewhere in here
That my blood isn't going to kill me
That the dripping blood in my mind
Won't erase my blue in this world