in the alley

you dont want to be a fantasy dispenser  
i understand  
and respect  
and honor  
and try not to ask  
or arrange crumbs in suggestive ways  
i only crawl to the corner  
and dream away  
with teeming words that never seem to wear  
they glow in my eyes  
those thoughts and ideas  
that spike desires  
offering needled beds of pleasure  
a place where one is given no choice  
i dream of it being you  
that chooses the words and fate  
i dream selfishly of the things you will not give me  
the things that recursively are themselves  
a treatment unlike the things that occur to you  
why would they  
the things i need are inventions from the things i want  
to be bound taught over the fire of your ideas  
to suffer in ways that let you drink from the tears  
infused with all my intensities and screams of desire  
let me petrify you souvenirs as keychains  
for your fingers to fondle without me  
i don't mind being stuffed into the darkness of your memories dispassion for my fate  
but i so want you to come visit sometimes  
enter with your stiletto’s pointy toe  
let me hear your heels click  
while i moan in a gag hidden away  
conjuring endless thoughts of you  

how does all that serve you  
i understand  
a Woman needs sweeping  
dusting  
the laundry done and folded  
and to be heard  
and enjoyed  
 
how do all things mix  
 
what happens to the swollen walls of desperation  
too selfish to be uttered or convalesced?  
 
is it that we need to grow up  
is that what you're asking?  
stifle the earthquakes and tsunamis  
those volcanos that surprise us in the night  
and at stop lights  
whose ferociousness we’ve learned to tame  
to be polite  
and kind  
and exercise the delights of human evolution  
in thinking and doing and loving  
and life is so much worth all of that  
 
but what happens to the desperate need to suffer  
to process the world and storms of psyche toxic with shame  
that with our skills of mind  
have found a way to churn ourselves into pleasure again  
 
what alley will have us?