Smart Phone

 
Hey pops
Yesterday was Father’s Day and I thought about you a lot
My fam got me smart phone as a gift
And as I transferred all the numbers, yours came up

For the past year many folks told me use your phone
Save myself some money and I’d have an instant upgrade
But I couldn’t be swayed, your phone means something
I keep it in a drawer in my nightstand like it’s child’s play

I know the number is disconnected now but I imagine
That maybe if I send you a text and tell you I miss you
I’ll get a text back from you saying “I love you, I love you son”
Or I’ll get a message and once again I’ll hear your voice

I turn it on and read your messages and see your videos
And think fuck! you had a great birthday in April without us
But goddamn it, all the drinking made you even sicker
By the time you realized it, it was too late to come home

I keep wanting to say I’m sorry or that I should’ve known
But it’s no use going over it again and again in my head
I just dwell in the early memories and the good times
And maybe you thought about them in your last moments

I gave up drinking in fear of your and grandpa’s addiction
It’s been two years since I’ve had a beer or had any liquor
It’s a motherfucker but I really want to exercise self-control
Because I want to be an example for my three sons

Dad, I miss our conversations, our jokes, our time together
Sometimes I miss going to you as a grown man for advice
I’m afraid I won’t succeed or that I may repeat our history
And somehow I’ll hear your voice saying, it’s going to be alright.

I’ll keep your number on my new smart phone just in case
I ever get the urge to text you and ask if you’re alright
And maybe you will come and talk to me in my dreams
Giving me the advice I need to be a better father and son