deepundergroundpoetry.com
A pair of eyes
And lying there between sleep and wake
when shadows darted to and fro
and grave notions ebbed and flowed
until time stood still
a pair of eyes peeked through the drapes
searching out and honing in
on the stench of fear that had begun
to fill my chamber
I felt my helpless body rise
those eyes they held a scornful gaze
and in those eyes I saw a pyre
licked by flames of hell's own fire
not a single word could pass my lips
Christ those eyes they hypnotized
stripped me of my mortal flesh
spun my bones and locked my grip
and just like that the eyes were gone
away they strayed I was alone
alone and scared and scarred and pale
but glad I lived to tell this tale
-read by J lessa
when shadows darted to and fro
and grave notions ebbed and flowed
until time stood still
a pair of eyes peeked through the drapes
searching out and honing in
on the stench of fear that had begun
to fill my chamber
I felt my helpless body rise
those eyes they held a scornful gaze
and in those eyes I saw a pyre
licked by flames of hell's own fire
not a single word could pass my lips
Christ those eyes they hypnotized
stripped me of my mortal flesh
spun my bones and locked my grip
and just like that the eyes were gone
away they strayed I was alone
alone and scared and scarred and pale
but glad I lived to tell this tale
-read by J lessa
Written by
lepperochan
(Craic-Dealer)
Published 16th Jan 2012
| Edited 27th Jan 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 21
reading list entries 4
comments 33
reads 1949
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Good stuff!
16th Jan 2012 3:15am
re: Good stuff!
16th Jan 2012 11:30am
yeah
Anonymous
16th Jan 2012 5:56am
that was tight
1
re: yeah
16th Jan 2012 11:31am
Climax
16th Jan 2012 8:26am
The language in this piece takes on the sense of an ambiguous time period giving it a sense of timelessness in portraying a person of any age. It sounds specific but it's open enough for us to read who we want in the character, whether or not this thing is imagination, or whether it's a running metaphor, what time period it's in. If I were to make a suggestion, though, I would say that this line,
"spun my bones and shook my hips", could be changed to make more sense to the moment.
Perhaps more along the lines of,
"spun my bones and locked my grip"
Subjective and collected. Well done, Eamon.
"spun my bones and shook my hips", could be changed to make more sense to the moment.
Perhaps more along the lines of,
"spun my bones and locked my grip"
Subjective and collected. Well done, Eamon.
3
re: Climax
16th Jan 2012 11:40am
Jolais,
Thought i would try something a little different.
I think some of the language may have been influenced by some poetry i was reading before i made the first draft of this.
I took your advice and changed that line, i agree it was kind of weak or something.
Thanks for your in-depth analysis and subsequent advice.
Thought i would try something a little different.
I think some of the language may have been influenced by some poetry i was reading before i made the first draft of this.
I took your advice and changed that line, i agree it was kind of weak or something.
Thanks for your in-depth analysis and subsequent advice.
comment
16th Jan 2012 10:11am
i agree with Jolais on the language part.
'alone and scared and scarred and pale ' there's a nice musicality in this line.
'alone and scared and scarred and pale ' there's a nice musicality in this line.
1
re: comment
16th Jan 2012 11:44am
Ophelic,
Glad you liked this little number, great to see you drop by and throw down your thoughts.
Glad you liked this little number, great to see you drop by and throw down your thoughts.
:)
16th Jan 2012 5:53pm
Eamo
Not the usual stuff from you.
Has the flair and the edits
have been helpful.
Write on,
S'
Not the usual stuff from you.
Has the flair and the edits
have been helpful.
Write on,
S'
1
re: :)
16th Jan 2012 6:20pm
ah yes Mr wand
A different writing of sorts, a few edits made to the original draft.
thanks for taking the time out from what must be a vigorous training regime for the whacky races to read and comment on this humble offering.
I think it's good to mix it up a bit even if it does not bring the desired result.
there's a saying that goes "a change is better than a rest" or words to that effect.
thanks again man.
A different writing of sorts, a few edits made to the original draft.
thanks for taking the time out from what must be a vigorous training regime for the whacky races to read and comment on this humble offering.
I think it's good to mix it up a bit even if it does not bring the desired result.
there's a saying that goes "a change is better than a rest" or words to that effect.
thanks again man.
Great!
17th Jan 2012 4:58am
Very intricate wording, kept me interested. You tell a good story. You are a true poet :)
1
re: Great!
17th Jan 2012 11:24pm
cheers man!
good to see you dropping by and leaving thoughts.
welcome to DU
good to see you dropping by and leaving thoughts.
welcome to DU
Chilling :)
18th Jan 2012 5:52pm
re: Chilling :)
18th Jan 2012 9:25pm
crimson,
how the hell are you?
good that i can give some chills every now and then.
thanks for the visit and throwing down some thoughts.
how the hell are you?
good that i can give some chills every now and then.
thanks for the visit and throwing down some thoughts.
re: re: Chilling :)
18th Jan 2012 11:32pm
I'm doing good Eamom :) ty for asking how are you?..beautiful writer and person..peace Crim :)
0
...
Anonymous
18th Jan 2012 9:03pm
"licked by flames of hell's own fire" wow Eamon from beginning to end.. wow!
1
re: ...
:)
Thanks much for the read and kind comment, glad you enjoyed this little number.
a pair of eyes
21st Jan 2012 10:54pm
re: a pair of eyes
21st Jan 2012 11:29pm
re: ok im sad
22nd Feb 2012 11:20pm
Thanks John.
Sadness was not the primary feeling I was trying to get out there. It is a feeling nonetheless, so happy days.
Sadness was not the primary feeling I was trying to get out there. It is a feeling nonetheless, so happy days.
Raven-esque
23rd Feb 2012 6:53am
re: Raven-esque
23rd Feb 2012 9:05am
Indie,
A wonderful compliment indie'd. I happen to think the raven is one of the best poems written.
Thanks lots.
A wonderful compliment indie'd. I happen to think the raven is one of the best poems written.
Thanks lots.
Nice
25th Feb 2012 6:16am
Nice very visual.. I was scared for a sec. Brought me back to this one night at Band camp. Lol kidding loved it
1
re: Nice
25th Feb 2012 6:50am
band camp ! i think i may have been there that night
wait are you.... no .. did we... oh.. OH!, ok well this is awkward
cheers !
wait are you.... no .. did we... oh.. OH!, ok well this is awkward
cheers !
re: Involved.
10th Mar 2012 7:31am
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
27th Mar 2012 7:04pm
Wow, chilling and stunning at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!! Fabulous!!!!!!!!!!
1
re: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
28th Mar 2012 3:51am
Lee's Angel
well, kind words indeed.
good to see you reading my humble offerings.
Thanks for stopping by and laying down your thoughts.
well, kind words indeed.
good to see you reading my humble offerings.
Thanks for stopping by and laying down your thoughts.
Re: A pair of eyes
25th Oct 2012 7:47am
I'm very interested into who or what those eyes belong to! The flow was very rhythmic. :)
0
Re: A pair of eyes
25th Oct 2012 10:58am
ah, the eyes. well as Jolais so eloquently pointed out the eyes could belong to any number of things, what scares me might not scare you so its best to leave that open for your own interpret.
Thanks for the drop in and the words.
Thanks for the drop in and the words.
Re: A pair of eyes
Anonymous
3rd Sep 2013 2:35am
Brilliant and Jesta's reading was haunting.
So happy to have read this...
Cheers
Kitty
So happy to have read this...
Cheers
Kitty
0
re: Re: A pair of eyes
3rd Sep 2013 5:20am
ah, there you are Kitty
far too kind, though I agree about the reading.
happy to have you drop by and leave thoughts
far too kind, though I agree about the reading.
happy to have you drop by and leave thoughts