deepundergroundpoetry.com
I Would Take It Back...
I Would Take It Back...
I can't believe we had A N O T H E R fight
I don't know how we'll ever make this right
We say mean things to each other in spite
I dread coming home to your screams tonight
Slowly pulling in my driveway is when
An eerie feeling comes across my skin
Chills creep up my spine quivering my chin
Something feels wrong from very deep within
Walking to my door, I tremble with the key
I am late, will I get the third degree
Something inside is telling me to flee
What I will find there is no guarantee
I open the door, everything is still
The silence inside is deafening and shrill
I look down and see an out of place pill
To take another step is against my will
I put down my purse and take off my shoes
This rancid place smells like stale air and booze
I turn on a light, he must have blown a fuse
I told him that's not a plug to overuse
I turn the corner with great feeling of dread
Oh good, he is sound asleep on top the bed
I wonder if the animals have been fed
...what the fuck is that all over his head
I squint my eyes and closer I inch
What in the world is that God awful stench
It smells like iron, I give my nose a pinch
"Is that blood", I say allowed with a flinch
What in God's name did you do to your face
I am so confused and my heart starts to race
My mind can't process, it can't keep up the pace
Oh God, the gun! Why is out of it's case?
What the fuck did you do? What have I done?
Should I call the police, or turn and run?
Do you feel like you have finally won?
You got the last word with the use of your gun
This wasn't to happen, not to occur
Just another meaningless threat, another slur
I can't breathe, I can't see, everything's a blur
The alternative you leave, this you prefer?
How could you possibly think this is better?
You didn't say bye or leave me a letter
I am not surprised you wore your best sweater
When you decided to life to become it's debtor
What do I do now, what do I tell our babies
That you ran off with a whole bunch of ladies
Maybe that you died from a dog that had rabies
Or that daddy chose to leave you for Hades
I can't believe you did this, I'm in much despair
You ended your life cause you thought I don't care
I still love you, I was just angry I swear
Now it is too late, no time to fix our error
I would take it all back to save your life
I would not fight you I would stay your wife
I would make sure we did not live in strife
I would never hurt you again all your life
I can't believe we had A N O T H E R fight
I don't know how we'll ever make this right
We say mean things to each other in spite
I dread coming home to your screams tonight
Slowly pulling in my driveway is when
An eerie feeling comes across my skin
Chills creep up my spine quivering my chin
Something feels wrong from very deep within
Walking to my door, I tremble with the key
I am late, will I get the third degree
Something inside is telling me to flee
What I will find there is no guarantee
I open the door, everything is still
The silence inside is deafening and shrill
I look down and see an out of place pill
To take another step is against my will
I put down my purse and take off my shoes
This rancid place smells like stale air and booze
I turn on a light, he must have blown a fuse
I told him that's not a plug to overuse
I turn the corner with great feeling of dread
Oh good, he is sound asleep on top the bed
I wonder if the animals have been fed
...what the fuck is that all over his head
I squint my eyes and closer I inch
What in the world is that God awful stench
It smells like iron, I give my nose a pinch
"Is that blood", I say allowed with a flinch
What in God's name did you do to your face
I am so confused and my heart starts to race
My mind can't process, it can't keep up the pace
Oh God, the gun! Why is out of it's case?
What the fuck did you do? What have I done?
Should I call the police, or turn and run?
Do you feel like you have finally won?
You got the last word with the use of your gun
This wasn't to happen, not to occur
Just another meaningless threat, another slur
I can't breathe, I can't see, everything's a blur
The alternative you leave, this you prefer?
How could you possibly think this is better?
You didn't say bye or leave me a letter
I am not surprised you wore your best sweater
When you decided to life to become it's debtor
What do I do now, what do I tell our babies
That you ran off with a whole bunch of ladies
Maybe that you died from a dog that had rabies
Or that daddy chose to leave you for Hades
I can't believe you did this, I'm in much despair
You ended your life cause you thought I don't care
I still love you, I was just angry I swear
Now it is too late, no time to fix our error
I would take it all back to save your life
I would not fight you I would stay your wife
I would make sure we did not live in strife
I would never hurt you again all your life
Published 7th Jan 2012
| Edited 6th Apr 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 6
reads 845
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
7th Jan 2012 6:58am
This is a chilling write Rachel, and I think you have done well with it. Might I suggest you give it another read a few times, with an editing eye... Paying attention to your tenses and things like breathing places, (line breaks, punctuation, sentence structure) that type of thing.
With one or two edits this piece will be the bomb!
Al-x-
Did I say I really liked it...
With one or two edits this piece will be the bomb!
Al-x-
Did I say I really liked it...
7th Jan 2012 2:35pm
Thanks Alip...I certainly will do some editing when I get the chance...I do see some improvments to make, but any examples you have to help would be much appreciated.
Glad you really liked it! It means a lot from you.
Glad you really liked it! It means a lot from you.
7th Jan 2012 6:30pm
Love is the slowest suicide. You can love someone and not like them. I'm going tho this with a friend right now. This is a great write of topics that happen everyday.
8th Jan 2012 5:51am
Oh, that is so sad that you know someone going through this.
The right kind of love isn't suicide at all...so I have heard.
I agree about the like/love comment.
The right kind of love isn't suicide at all...so I have heard.
I agree about the like/love comment.
8th Jan 2012 5:00am
Rachel,
Personally i have a strange relationship with rhymes, i like them then i don't.
i happen to like what you have done here, most of the rhyming seems to flow like you needed no great effort to make them.
there are one or two things that i noticed while i was reading this.
while the plot, the rhyme was pretty good the flow let you down a little.
that is to say that some of the lines had a word or two too many. this is easily fixed and i will try identify them for you.
An eerie feeling comes across my *milky* skin
Something in *me* is telling me to flee
i have the *me here just because you have me again a few words later on the same line.
I would probably stick inside there
*Something inside is telling me to flee
Ugh, I wonder if the animals have *even* been fed
*The gun.* Oh God, the gun. Why is out of it's case?
Should I call the police, or turn *around* and run?
*It was* just another meaningless threat, another slur
Or that daddy chose *he would rather* live without you in Hades
this line i would stick 'to' between chose and live.
Now it is too late, no time to fix our *err*
i would use the full error here, it still stays true to your rhyme.
The thing i find when reading rhyme is that i get into a kind of set pace that is dictated by the first couplet or the first stanza, then if i come across a line that has too many words or syllables i have to stop and start again and try fit that line into the rhythmic pace i have going on.
so by cutting the words i have marked out i think you should have set a seamless pace for the reader.
anyway see what you think.
great job btw.
Personally i have a strange relationship with rhymes, i like them then i don't.
i happen to like what you have done here, most of the rhyming seems to flow like you needed no great effort to make them.
there are one or two things that i noticed while i was reading this.
while the plot, the rhyme was pretty good the flow let you down a little.
that is to say that some of the lines had a word or two too many. this is easily fixed and i will try identify them for you.
An eerie feeling comes across my *milky* skin
Something in *me* is telling me to flee
i have the *me here just because you have me again a few words later on the same line.
I would probably stick inside there
*Something inside is telling me to flee
Ugh, I wonder if the animals have *even* been fed
*The gun.* Oh God, the gun. Why is out of it's case?
Should I call the police, or turn *around* and run?
*It was* just another meaningless threat, another slur
Or that daddy chose *he would rather* live without you in Hades
this line i would stick 'to' between chose and live.
Now it is too late, no time to fix our *err*
i would use the full error here, it still stays true to your rhyme.
The thing i find when reading rhyme is that i get into a kind of set pace that is dictated by the first couplet or the first stanza, then if i come across a line that has too many words or syllables i have to stop and start again and try fit that line into the rhythmic pace i have going on.
so by cutting the words i have marked out i think you should have set a seamless pace for the reader.
anyway see what you think.
great job btw.
8th Jan 2012 5:58am
Wow Eamon,
Thank you soooo much for the advice. I am going to change it as soon as I get the chance.
It means a lot that you took the time to help me like that. It will be so much better like you have it.
Thank you soooo much for the advice. I am going to change it as soon as I get the chance.
It means a lot that you took the time to help me like that. It will be so much better like you have it.
