An apology

If it is just a word,
Why does it feel like I'm attempting to draw water from a well that dried up long ago.
Extracting blood from stone,
Even though you smell of home,
An unspoken agreement made along the way
That meant you never had to say sorry.
A kiss on the end of a text,
After months of silence
Is your form of apology.
A scenario that's happened countless times,
And yet every time,
It still bothers me.

Accountability.

For your actions and your words,
For all the pain and hurt
That you may cause me,
So what if it was unintentionally!?
We don't get to step away from our responsibilities so easily!
I look up to you
and adore you for good reason!
I have loved you
Since I could remember feelings!
I followed you around whilst you performed menial tasks,
Imprinting on my brain
Everytime i made you laugh.
I always wanted to be like you,
To do all the things you do,
And it's true
'cos I'm grown now, and I won't say it either.
A chip off the old block,
Lock the emotion away in a box
And swallow it down.
Look at me dad, I hope I make you proud.

But what am I to do now?

I wonder if you remember
dropping me at those doors
A looking grey, old building,
A mental hospital.
And your departing words,
Right before you drove away,
Deadpan expression on your face,
To stop and then just say

"You just need to sort this shit out"

As if all of my pain
Was something I had fabricated,
In no way were you to blame.
You tell me I'm emotional
But it's what has kept me sane,
Our family's fuelled on who's had it worse,
As if it were a game!

What is the point of this unwritten and unspoken vow?
Why can't we say sorry?
Why have you taught me that my pride is the most important?
Why in 33 years have you not apologised to your daughter?
Why am I still desperate for your recognition?
And yet I know I'd never put my kids
In this shit, unfair position!
I say sorry in a heart beat for them so easily,
Because the last thing I'd ever want,
Is for them to feel like me.
And I refuse to lose you,
For your inability,
To say something as simple as
An apology.