deepundergroundpoetry.com
I'm not an incubator
My bones melt into the bed sheets
I can’t move without screaming on the inside
Today is a bad day
I feel you moving against the home
I’ve built around you
sometimes I smile
sometimes I can’t sleep with the pain
of your tiny limbs pressing into my walls
with a stubbornness I can’t coerce
into something more sleep worthy
My body is not kind to me on days like these
and I wonder if I am too old for this
Dishes piled high by the sink
we live on salads and microwave-friendly foods
eaten off paper plates
because the pain in my hands
can barely do more than type out a text message
without my meridian nerve betraying me
I imagine right now is what it feels like to be 80
fires burning in my spirit
while my limbs and joints can’t seamlessly
follow the instructions from my brain
telling them what to do
Some days I forget that I’m a person
like pregnancy is little more
than being an incubator for a life
that some people will tell me is more precious than my own
just not in those exact words
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t resent your existence
I only wish people had more compassion than
to tell me to suck it up, as long as you’re doing just fine
Not knowing that I haven’t left the house in days
because I can’t walk far enough to escape the cabin fever
without being able to get back home
Not knowing that I’m too embarrassed to let anyone visit
because I am too unwell to clean the house
Not knowing that I can’t drive or take the bus
or get to the beach long enough
to feel the sand between my toes
as the ocean tide soothes away my worries
Not knowing that I made it through my first pregnancy
with perinatal depression that was so intense and isolating
I still consider it a miracle that I’m alive today
your big sisters' life the only reason I chose to keep breathing
My bones melt into the bed sheets
I can’t move without screaming on the inside
Today is a bad day
and I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay
© Indie Adams 2019
I can’t move without screaming on the inside
Today is a bad day
I feel you moving against the home
I’ve built around you
sometimes I smile
sometimes I can’t sleep with the pain
of your tiny limbs pressing into my walls
with a stubbornness I can’t coerce
into something more sleep worthy
My body is not kind to me on days like these
and I wonder if I am too old for this
Dishes piled high by the sink
we live on salads and microwave-friendly foods
eaten off paper plates
because the pain in my hands
can barely do more than type out a text message
without my meridian nerve betraying me
I imagine right now is what it feels like to be 80
fires burning in my spirit
while my limbs and joints can’t seamlessly
follow the instructions from my brain
telling them what to do
Some days I forget that I’m a person
like pregnancy is little more
than being an incubator for a life
that some people will tell me is more precious than my own
just not in those exact words
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t resent your existence
I only wish people had more compassion than
to tell me to suck it up, as long as you’re doing just fine
Not knowing that I haven’t left the house in days
because I can’t walk far enough to escape the cabin fever
without being able to get back home
Not knowing that I’m too embarrassed to let anyone visit
because I am too unwell to clean the house
Not knowing that I can’t drive or take the bus
or get to the beach long enough
to feel the sand between my toes
as the ocean tide soothes away my worries
Not knowing that I made it through my first pregnancy
with perinatal depression that was so intense and isolating
I still consider it a miracle that I’m alive today
your big sisters' life the only reason I chose to keep breathing
My bones melt into the bed sheets
I can’t move without screaming on the inside
Today is a bad day
and I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay
© Indie Adams 2019
Published 20th Oct 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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20th Oct 2019 3:04am
20th Oct 2019 3:05am
Anonymous
20th Oct 2019 7:23am
Indie this is fearless, and vulnerable and wholly yourself. Thank you for being so honest and I send mad love to you and bump. You always were a touch of class. x
-M
-M
20th Oct 2019 8:30am
Thanks so much Missy, this one was so hard to write, I honestly cried when I finally got it out. I still struggle to be vulnerable in my writing sometimes, just as I do in real life. I'll definitely take the compliments you've laid down. Thanks again xx
20th Oct 2019 10:51am
You've always been my realist Indie -since my first days at DU-Thank You for it
A tear for You-This hits hard (something else You've kept knack for)
The depths of truth Written here are crushing...
Rest/Heal and be Extra Good to Yourself!!!
A tear for You-This hits hard (something else You've kept knack for)
The depths of truth Written here are crushing...
Rest/Heal and be Extra Good to Yourself!!!
Thank you very much souladareatease xx
I'll be doing my best with the self care.
I'll be doing my best with the self care.
27th Oct 2019 5:46am
Damn, that had depth and powerful. As a father of five, I can appreciate the sacrifice a woman makes for the sake of love and life growing inside. It takes a toll on the body and your poem speaks of the mind.
Hope you're having better days.
W
Hope you're having better days.
W
5th Nov 2019 12:01pm
Thank you very much wallyroo. My partner often says he wishes he could share the challenges of pregnancy with me. He feels guilty that I have to carry it alone. I know it's worth it in the end, though the journey there isn't always fun.
31st Oct 2019 9:13am
So stunning. I don't think I've seen this particular sentiment or subject covered, (very relatable and eloquently put) but it is absolutely real and more common than people let on. We are still people, not just incubators. Well put, Indie. Make someone pick you up for the beach one day and just bake
5th Nov 2019 12:06pm
Thanks so much for your feedback InNomine. I can't say I have come across much pregnancy poems, and it's not a subject I think people are really that open about because of the idea that women are supposed to feel a certain way and have pregnancy be this wonderful magical thing, which it can be, but it can also be incredibly challenging, and that also deserves to be acknowledged.
I guess I wrote this piece because of the challenges I've faced, and realising that pretending to be okay when I'm not is doing no one any good, lease of all me. I'm really stoked at all the positive feedback I've had from those I've shared it with.
I guess I wrote this piece because of the challenges I've faced, and realising that pretending to be okay when I'm not is doing no one any good, lease of all me. I'm really stoked at all the positive feedback I've had from those I've shared it with.
3rd Nov 2019 4:50am
Written like a warrior throwing her spear down and charging headfirst, screaming from the top of her lungs and ripping out still beating hearts with her bare hands. So powerful and humbling. It left me spinning in raw emotion. Thank you for sharing with us love
