deepundergroundpoetry.com
the Black Rose
Greed leads to more avarice,
And any form of lust,
One must acquire all things coveted,
No matter what the cost.
Even when the cup runneth over,
And spills on to the floor,
All the time they say "it's all mine”,
And then they want some more.
There’s no satisfying the hunger,
Let alone control the urge,
But men come to lose their humanity
Beyond insanity they splurge.
Greed leads to more blatant greed,
The need to feed won’t stop,
Regardless of who or what gets in the way,
They always want to be on top.
It contently poisons the mind and soul,
Without regard to other men,
Greed is the seed, the root of all evil,
Without respect and without an end.
And any form of lust,
One must acquire all things coveted,
No matter what the cost.
Even when the cup runneth over,
And spills on to the floor,
All the time they say "it's all mine”,
And then they want some more.
There’s no satisfying the hunger,
Let alone control the urge,
But men come to lose their humanity
Beyond insanity they splurge.
Greed leads to more blatant greed,
The need to feed won’t stop,
Regardless of who or what gets in the way,
They always want to be on top.
It contently poisons the mind and soul,
Without regard to other men,
Greed is the seed, the root of all evil,
Without respect and without an end.
Published 3rd Aug 2019
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Hey Wally! Love this verse, particularly the care with which you've formatted and selected the rhyme. The subject matter of greed is a personal nemesis of mine; reminds me of Hugh Hefner when asked how much more money he needed to be satisfied. He answered, "Just a little bit more." I feel as though greed has taken this country by the roots and is infecting it to the point the middle class doesn't exist anymore. Or, as Agnes Torok so eloquently points out - it's worthless.
In the spirit of honest critique you've requested, I find very little I would suggest except a few extraneous words and perhaps a bit of revision to cut down on the repetition:
Greed leads to more avarice,
And any form of lust,
One must acquire all things coveted,
No matter what the cost.
Here I am going to ask you if 'any form' of lust can be equated to greed? What about the lust of love? Is passion not love's reward? Would it sound better if you inferred 'most forms of lust'? The syllabic count in L3 is 9, while in L1 it's 7. While many times a syllabic count can differ by one or two and retain the flow, this one is a bit excessive. Would it balance out more by saying, 'Thus must acquire the coveted'? or some variation?
Even when the cup runneth over,
And spills [onto] the floor, <-- because you use 'And' in L4, could you use 'spilling' here?
All the time they say "it's all mine”, <-- do you need 'all'?
And then they want some more.
There’s no satisfying the hunger, <-- do you need 'the' ( since you're using it in L2 )?
Let alone control the urge,
But men come to lose their humanity <-- do you need 'come to'?
Beyond insanity they splurge.
Greed leads to more blatant greed,
The need to feed won’t stop,
Regardless of who or what gets in the way, <-- do you need 'of who' when 'what' implies anything or one?
They always want to be on top. <-- do they want or fight to be on top? 'They'll fight to be on top'?
It contently poisons the mind and soul,
Without regard to other men,
Greed is the seed, the root of all evil,
Without respect and without an end. <-- how would 'Without respect or seeming end' sound, rather than repeating without?
Furthermore, ask you to consider if you need to cap each line; or, would it read much smoother with only the beginning of sentences capped. Do you need the excess commas? I know some are warranted for that extra pause; however, are all of them? For example, take the final stanza, you have four commas. This has a natural flow and rhythm ( I feel ) without the need for commas, but that's just my opinion.
It's a good solid poem in regards to subject matter. I enjoyed reading it. My opinion is just that - mine. Feel free to tell me to F-off! LOL!
In the spirit of honest critique you've requested, I find very little I would suggest except a few extraneous words and perhaps a bit of revision to cut down on the repetition:
Greed leads to more avarice,
And any form of lust,
One must acquire all things coveted,
No matter what the cost.
Here I am going to ask you if 'any form' of lust can be equated to greed? What about the lust of love? Is passion not love's reward? Would it sound better if you inferred 'most forms of lust'? The syllabic count in L3 is 9, while in L1 it's 7. While many times a syllabic count can differ by one or two and retain the flow, this one is a bit excessive. Would it balance out more by saying, 'Thus must acquire the coveted'? or some variation?
Even when the cup runneth over,
And spills [onto] the floor, <-- because you use 'And' in L4, could you use 'spilling' here?
All the time they say "it's all mine”, <-- do you need 'all'?
And then they want some more.
There’s no satisfying the hunger, <-- do you need 'the' ( since you're using it in L2 )?
Let alone control the urge,
But men come to lose their humanity <-- do you need 'come to'?
Beyond insanity they splurge.
Greed leads to more blatant greed,
The need to feed won’t stop,
Regardless of who or what gets in the way, <-- do you need 'of who' when 'what' implies anything or one?
They always want to be on top. <-- do they want or fight to be on top? 'They'll fight to be on top'?
It contently poisons the mind and soul,
Without regard to other men,
Greed is the seed, the root of all evil,
Without respect and without an end. <-- how would 'Without respect or seeming end' sound, rather than repeating without?
Furthermore, ask you to consider if you need to cap each line; or, would it read much smoother with only the beginning of sentences capped. Do you need the excess commas? I know some are warranted for that extra pause; however, are all of them? For example, take the final stanza, you have four commas. This has a natural flow and rhythm ( I feel ) without the need for commas, but that's just my opinion.
It's a good solid poem in regards to subject matter. I enjoyed reading it. My opinion is just that - mine. Feel free to tell me to F-off! LOL!
The only F word I'll use right now is FINALLY! someone critiqued it and broke it down. Thank you Ahavati.
I wrote this piece a while ago and it had a choppy flow (I didn't really stick to a syllable count and as a drummer, I know how important those beats are).
I will surely take it into consideration, work on it and edit, but I appreciate your honesty. I think too often we're scared to point out flaws but this is certainly something that will up my game.
After I went back to college to get my degree and learned more about how these CEOs and people in government get away with so much, it gets my blood boiling so it's something I'll be writing more about.
Hope you're having a great weekend.
I wrote this piece a while ago and it had a choppy flow (I didn't really stick to a syllable count and as a drummer, I know how important those beats are).
I will surely take it into consideration, work on it and edit, but I appreciate your honesty. I think too often we're scared to point out flaws but this is certainly something that will up my game.
After I went back to college to get my degree and learned more about how these CEOs and people in government get away with so much, it gets my blood boiling so it's something I'll be writing more about.
Hope you're having a great weekend.
Thank GOODNESS! Phew! Yes; we are hesitant to honestly critique, for the most part because of recent rants and "poems" on the board about critiquing. Most writers ( and those ranting ) don't realize what a gift of time and expertise critiquing is, especially when authors are requesting it.
I say everyone needs to shut the fuck up and let writers have what they want - and if that's honest critique, then so be it. Please let me know when you edit - would love to read the revision.
The top 1% have a vice-grip on Washington. Term limits need to be applies, and they should have guidelines which would affect them just as it does the working class, e.g. - insurance, vacations, etc. That would make them think twice before making any decision.
I say everyone needs to shut the fuck up and let writers have what they want - and if that's honest critique, then so be it. Please let me know when you edit - would love to read the revision.
The top 1% have a vice-grip on Washington. Term limits need to be applies, and they should have guidelines which would affect them just as it does the working class, e.g. - insurance, vacations, etc. That would make them think twice before making any decision.
