The shadows lurking in the dark of the night

3am and I'm not sure whether to sleep or soak my pillow in tears  
I want to paint these bedsheets red but still remain with white as my favorite colour  
I want the shadows lurking in the dark of the night to creep me out but still sing me lullabies  
I'll dress myself up in facades, mask my face and hope you still see me, the real me  
Wanna narrate to you my story but in such a divine way that you won't even believe it's mine  
I'll tell you my truth but make it sound like a lie so that you actually know me but don't even know that you know me  
Wish for someone to hug me tight and make me feel okay but then whisper in my ears "I know you're not okay"  
I wish to walk away from the person I've become but still remain me  
I'd love to get lost but still feel like I belong  
Wish I could run to the end of the horizon only to discover that that's actually where the world begins  
I want to cut and tear myself down into pieces but still remain and feel whole in the end  
I want to scream my mind out loud enough to deafen the entire world but still not disturb my roommate's sleep  
Wanna die but still breathe and breathe and then breathe some more  
Want to feel like I'm good enough but at the same time insufficient enough to keep me working harder  
Wish I could write everyone off this planet and remain alone but still not feel lonely  
I'm tired of the pain deep inside but then numbness is not something I'd wanna live for  
I want to look at the mirror and see flesh full of life in the skeletons of my reflection  
Wish I could just figure life out without even trying to figure it out  
Wish you could read this and realise that all I'm trying to say is that I do wanna continue living,  
Just not like this....