the perpetual battlefield

you’d think that after all this time
i’d have learned quite a few lessons
but the more I try to make it work
the more I leave with other questions

i thought that I’ve covered the bases
and I spent weeks upon weeks
cooped up researching at my laptop
thinking is there anything I missed?

going through my list again
for the eighth fucking time
surely I didn’t miss anything
if I did, then the blame is mine

all the stress of trying to be this
trying to be that and all so perfect
a way of proving I turned out okay
and my rearing wasn’t as wrecked

god, even I know I fucked up, ok
so do you really have to come through
repeat the same lecture I’ve heard before
that I’ve been giving myself for days too

i’m an adult and have been for a bit
i can make good decisions for myself
i can take responsibility and handle it
be sure the blame isn’t on anyone else

but this burden, the one I carry around
it’s so fucking heavy, feel like I’m sinking
so just keep your thoughts to yourself
with no idea of what I’m already thinking

some things have fallen through and
i’ve thought of this, i’ve thought of that
even though I was able to get it straight
couldn’t keep it from slipping in the cracks

man, I know I’m not perfect
but I’m trying so hard to be
my body is always fighting itself
always so perpetually sickly

i’m half a person now
a shell of who I used to be
i’m pushing against the weight
trying to keep it from crushing me

i’m no longer capable of this
holding everything all together
i think I’d rather it just fall apart
so it could be lighter than a feather

lighter than the air I breathe
less than the pressure on my chest
how can you fail so hard, fall so low
when it’s always taking your very best