deepundergroundpoetry.com
ten dollars
never was a rich one
and never had millions
never thought that cash
would come between friendship
I tried to make you happy
when you were out of money
but when I needed to pay my bills
and you just wanted
another clothing item
you were so mad
'cause I couldn't lend you
more than ten dollars
from my pocket
and never had millions
never thought that cash
would come between friendship
I tried to make you happy
when you were out of money
but when I needed to pay my bills
and you just wanted
another clothing item
you were so mad
'cause I couldn't lend you
more than ten dollars
from my pocket
Published 16th Jul 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 3
reads 534
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Hey hey solid content here. So many of us has this problem. Being used under the guise of friendship.
That last stanza bumps a bit in the read can I make some suggestions (as you asked for "honest critique"? )
but when I needed to pay my bills
(Suggest taking "but" & "my" out for flow)
and you just wanted
(Suggest removing "and" for flow)
another clothing item (suggest "another" and "item" goes to substatiate the word clothing)
you were so mad (Suggest enphasising "mad")
'cause I couldn't lend you
more than ten dollars
from my pocket
(Suggest personifying "pocket")
(Suggest ending on ten dollars to tie in with the title)
Something like so...
when I needed to pay bills
you just wanted
clothing
mad
that my pocket
couldn't lend you
ten dollars
What do you think? Possibly if you play with it more, you'll find a lil more punch to it too.
Love the poem, it's a topic that needs to be discussed.
Blue Skies at you
Al
That last stanza bumps a bit in the read can I make some suggestions (as you asked for "honest critique"? )
but when I needed to pay my bills
(Suggest taking "but" & "my" out for flow)
and you just wanted
(Suggest removing "and" for flow)
another clothing item (suggest "another" and "item" goes to substatiate the word clothing)
you were so mad (Suggest enphasising "mad")
'cause I couldn't lend you
more than ten dollars
from my pocket
(Suggest personifying "pocket")
(Suggest ending on ten dollars to tie in with the title)
Something like so...
when I needed to pay bills
you just wanted
clothing
mad
that my pocket
couldn't lend you
ten dollars
What do you think? Possibly if you play with it more, you'll find a lil more punch to it too.
Love the poem, it's a topic that needs to be discussed.
Blue Skies at you
Al
16th Jul 2019 9:26pm
Yeah, your version definitely sounds better!
I’ll try to play with it a little more and see what comes out of it.
Thank you for your suggestions! Really appreciate that! <3
I’ll try to play with it a little more and see what comes out of it.
Thank you for your suggestions! Really appreciate that! <3
16th Jul 2019 9:27pm
