freefall into nothing

 
existential misfit, free-flowing disaster
involving myself with nothing
I predetermine my outcome

if I were to examine this I would understand
the true nature of the premonitions I have
though they elude my conscious mind at present

my unconscious thoughts warn me
they speak to me plainly
alter your course or pay the toll

I turn this over in my mind
with a sinking feeling in my stomach--
I dread the future

I implore this voice of reason
what if it isn't in my power to overcome my current stasis?
why do I seek danger when it causes me so much inner turmoil?
how do I alter the course I'm plowing headlong into?

I numb the pain and then hurt that I don't feel
it makes no sense it's an oxymoron
a riddle my mind has yet to figure out

what if I can't crack the code--
to free me from this perpetual madness?
the emotional bomb is ticking it's set to go off
damn it... is it the blue wire or the red to defuse?

boom...feelings ricochet inside me
I duck and cover from the emotional fallout
maybe the outcome was always set in stone

all to teach me a life lesson in humility
perhaps it was never in my power to control