deepundergroundpoetry.com
Swimming
a rush of coldness
evelops
every cell of my epidermis
penetrating deep within,
a billion needle-pricks on cold flesh
exhaling,
I move rythmically,
flowing outward,
expressing my power
countless endless morning night
staring at that black line
that monster,
the snake that attacks with boredom
fighting-corrupting goals.
I resist,
with thoughts of others,
of God, of self.
I win,
biting off the head of the black and tiled snake
with my Brain.
evelops
every cell of my epidermis
penetrating deep within,
a billion needle-pricks on cold flesh
exhaling,
I move rythmically,
flowing outward,
expressing my power
countless endless morning night
staring at that black line
that monster,
the snake that attacks with boredom
fighting-corrupting goals.
I resist,
with thoughts of others,
of God, of self.
I win,
biting off the head of the black and tiled snake
with my Brain.
Published 6th Dec 2011
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6th Dec 2011 8:51pm
First things first - typo. Second line should be "envelops."
I like what you've done with the formatting; it mimics that loose, flowy feel of being in water. Nice choice there :D
Critique-wise, I think you've gone a bit overboard on the commas. I think a period instead after "exhaling" for example would have a better effect - it gives a little more pause for the sigh that comes with an exhale and makes a clean break, leaving room for the next thought.
I'm curious about the snake and what it's supposed to represent. And the biting with your brain comes a bit too out of left field for me o_O A little more detail there would likely be interesting.
Hope this was helpful to you!
I like what you've done with the formatting; it mimics that loose, flowy feel of being in water. Nice choice there :D
Critique-wise, I think you've gone a bit overboard on the commas. I think a period instead after "exhaling" for example would have a better effect - it gives a little more pause for the sigh that comes with an exhale and makes a clean break, leaving room for the next thought.
I'm curious about the snake and what it's supposed to represent. And the biting with your brain comes a bit too out of left field for me o_O A little more detail there would likely be interesting.
Hope this was helpful to you!
7th Mar 2012 3:00am
Thank you, thank you! I appreciate criticism very much and will rework this Poem. thanks for taking the time to help out a fellow poet as I emerge and grow!
