deepundergroundpoetry.com
Barefoot in the cemetery
Oliver Springs, Tennessee.
two or three rolling hills &
soldiers laid to rest.
Spanish American war,
gravel tire track road.
tree branches were rifles.
Scotland & Wales couple ventured love by sea.
his feet jumping,
scaling monument and wall by way of curiosity.
I hope my son visits me and smiles through any tears he may shed.
two or three rolling hills &
soldiers laid to rest.
Spanish American war,
gravel tire track road.
tree branches were rifles.
Scotland & Wales couple ventured love by sea.
his feet jumping,
scaling monument and wall by way of curiosity.
I hope my son visits me and smiles through any tears he may shed.
Published 23rd May 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
23rd May 2019 6:07pm
Hi, Samael.
Personally I think
" tree branches were rifles.
Scotland & Wales couple ventured love by sea."
obfuscates what is rather a simple yet unique poem; neither line adding anything of relevance or importance to the overall.
Also, ampersands tend to distract attention away from regular text. Reading, reading, reading, what's up with the ampersand, reading, reading, reading, hey there's another ampersand, reading, reading .... if you catch my drift.
Personally I think
" tree branches were rifles.
Scotland & Wales couple ventured love by sea."
obfuscates what is rather a simple yet unique poem; neither line adding anything of relevance or importance to the overall.
Also, ampersands tend to distract attention away from regular text. Reading, reading, reading, what's up with the ampersand, reading, reading, reading, hey there's another ampersand, reading, reading .... if you catch my drift.
23rd May 2019 6:10pm
Anonymous
23rd May 2019 6:15pm
Glad to see you are still writing. :)
23rd May 2019 6:07pm
The imagery is so clear as I read each stanza. Your close is impactful with beautiful surrender and emotion.
D
D
24th May 2019 00:51am
Wondrous imagery, Samael.
The two lines Johnny referenced are a tad disjointed. Perhaps a semicolon after
gravel tire track road;
tree branches were rifles.
This connects the trees along side the road, incorporating them into your imagery.
I am going to assume Scotland & Wales are in reference to the countries? If not, the tense needs to be
Scottish and Welsh couple ventured love by sea.
I think that would clear up the meaning nicely.
That final line is golden. We all hope that our children continue happily as we have raised them rather than grieve.
The two lines Johnny referenced are a tad disjointed. Perhaps a semicolon after
gravel tire track road;
tree branches were rifles.
This connects the trees along side the road, incorporating them into your imagery.
I am going to assume Scotland & Wales are in reference to the countries? If not, the tense needs to be
Scottish and Welsh couple ventured love by sea.
I think that would clear up the meaning nicely.
That final line is golden. We all hope that our children continue happily as we have raised them rather than grieve.
