the meth diaries~and ADHD

 
I get this maddening restless feeling
makes me want to jump out of my skin
I just want to relax and write

days of hell I feel them
where I can't be myself
you would think speed would amp me up
but it doesn't it relaxes me
everything slows down and I can focus

speed works the opposite on me
it's a damned mind fuck
knowing what will help me
and knowing I can't have it

it messes with my rationality
I rationalize if people felt my pain
they would understand
how could anyone expect me to suffer like this?

I can't even watch television
I can't sit still
this isn't a side effect of withdrawal either
it went on years before I tried speed
then when I did... it was like magic
it worked to conquer that restlessness

I was able to read
I was able to write
watch a movie
enjoy a meal

things people take for granted
when you're locked out
of all these things it hurts

sigh I'm unsure how to reconcile
going back to the life of the damned permanently
when I know there is a key to unlock these doors
and set me free