deepundergroundpoetry.com
spireling out of control
"no that's not good for us"
"oh, come on its just a blunt"
"fine"
that was the first time
now i hit it daily
i never thought that that was when
i first started failing
"but we're too young"
" come on, its just a kiss"
"fine"
now the theater department has seen too much
and my grades are slip'in
there is no control where there are no cameras
now shut up and slip that tongue in
"but what if my mom finds out?"
"its just a sip"
"fine"
now don't you shake my water bottle
cause you wont see no bubbles
no i don't see the problem,
but people make a hubub
but now its spinning out of control
I'm in a downward spiral
I've fallen into a hole
of my own design
"oh, come on its just a blunt"
"fine"
that was the first time
now i hit it daily
i never thought that that was when
i first started failing
"but we're too young"
" come on, its just a kiss"
"fine"
now the theater department has seen too much
and my grades are slip'in
there is no control where there are no cameras
now shut up and slip that tongue in
"but what if my mom finds out?"
"its just a sip"
"fine"
now don't you shake my water bottle
cause you wont see no bubbles
no i don't see the problem,
but people make a hubub
but now its spinning out of control
I'm in a downward spiral
I've fallen into a hole
of my own design
Published 17th Jan 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 7
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
17th Jan 2019 11:10pm
Hey YDB,
Awesome self-reflective, dark write. At least you see the problems, and you're smart, and you're nice, and you can change them.
I miss you, my friend. Glad you're back.
Matthew.
Awesome self-reflective, dark write. At least you see the problems, and you're smart, and you're nice, and you can change them.
I miss you, my friend. Glad you're back.
Matthew.
17th Jan 2019 11:42pm
Great piece very relatable
I agree with Matt's comment as well
Excellent spill👏
I agree with Matt's comment as well
Excellent spill👏
22nd Jan 2019 7:04pm
Awesome write, man. Really introspective, and with a great flow too! Keep your head up and dig yourself out of the rut you're in. Best of luck to you.
Since you asked for honest criticism, here's my only complaint. Sometimes using too much punctuation can interrupt the flow of the poem, but in this case, I think it is slightly distracting from this well-written piece. All I did is improve the punctuation a bit, and capitalize all of the I's, but this is what I'm talking about, take it or leave it:
"No, that's not good for us"
"Oh, come on, it's just a blunt"
"Fine"
That was the first time,
Now I hit it daily
I never thought that that was when
I first started failing.
"But we're too young,"
"Come on, it's just a kiss"
"Fine"
Now the theater department has seen too much,
and my grades are slip'in
There is no control where there are no cameras,
now shut up and slip that tongue in.
"But what if my mom finds out?"
"It's just a sip"
"Fine"
Now, don't you shake my water bottle,
'cause you won't see no bubbles
No, I don't see the problem,
but people make a hubub
And now it's spinning out of control,
I'm in a downward spiral;
I've fallen into a hole
of my own design.
Since you asked for honest criticism, here's my only complaint. Sometimes using too much punctuation can interrupt the flow of the poem, but in this case, I think it is slightly distracting from this well-written piece. All I did is improve the punctuation a bit, and capitalize all of the I's, but this is what I'm talking about, take it or leave it:
"No, that's not good for us"
"Oh, come on, it's just a blunt"
"Fine"
That was the first time,
Now I hit it daily
I never thought that that was when
I first started failing.
"But we're too young,"
"Come on, it's just a kiss"
"Fine"
Now the theater department has seen too much,
and my grades are slip'in
There is no control where there are no cameras,
now shut up and slip that tongue in.
"But what if my mom finds out?"
"It's just a sip"
"Fine"
Now, don't you shake my water bottle,
'cause you won't see no bubbles
No, I don't see the problem,
but people make a hubub
And now it's spinning out of control,
I'm in a downward spiral;
I've fallen into a hole
of my own design.
22nd Jan 2019 8:02pm
22nd Jan 2019 8:04pm
No problem, man! Keep up the good writing!
I forgot to mention, in the title, spireling should be spiraling with an a instead.
I forgot to mention, in the title, spireling should be spiraling with an a instead.
22nd Jan 2019 8:05pm
23rd Jan 2019 5:15pm
