Sibling-Related Regret

Tired beyond fatigue and out of breath beyond breathlessness  
I think I might be sleepy but I can't see into my own skull past my headache  
Nothing left to do but sit here and vent about the many troubles that plague an Esta  
Family seems to be a common theme tonight from what I can tell of my own mind  
Weird that I seem to keep hearing a fairly steady sort of distant cry or sobbing but I know it's not really there
It makes me think of my little sister and how I used to cry and she would sit beside me  
Such a worried expression on her face and how she wouldn't say a word  
But ever so determined to calm me down as if her own small presence was hoping to suffice  
It reminds me of crying when brothers both were best friends and worst enemies  
And ever so frustrating to the point of being blinded by our own childhood stupidity  
Naivte as it was, it still seemed too real and so valid though every day life could hardly be called living  
Grown up now but how could one still be called a sibling nor least bit a good one at that  
When to smile and say I love you seems like a pathetic attempt at earning favors  
Or that a friendly hug between sisters becomes an old ritual hardly even remembered  
I wonder still if that I'm the only one who misses just saying goodnight without guilt  
One way or another I'm sure that despite our genetic disadvantages against such an outcome  
That one day somehow we'll all be how we used to and laugh about old pety rivalries  
We won't cry over losing one another regardless how the loss was made  
Looking back we'll laugh in embarressment and look forward again with triumph  
Blood is, indeed, thicker than water or so they say  
I hope that one day I can say, "I love you" again