for the girl I was

              
inside the depths I languish
my innocence long faded
the first blush of a girl
now tarnished
     
nicotine halos my head
sallow cheeks
that were once pink
are now sunken in
a heavy weez announces my presence
     
there are no fairy tale endings for this princess
who became Queen
to an ungrateful house
my daily attire a shroud
I dress this way
because everyday the girl I once knew
dies a little more inside me
     
thousands of days
of becoming more frightened   
my beauty something I was once sure of
has abandoned me
leaving me heartbroken   
     
I'm a shell of the woman I once knew
who could charm the angels
with my self assured smile
and brave outlook on the world
     
now vodka is the only thing I'm sure of
sure I will fall to sleep with it
and make love to it instead of my husband
  
sunrise will find me shaking
and sweating profusely   
     
barely wrapping my mouth around
the liquor revolver
hoping this time when I pull the trigger
there will be one in the chamber
one that will relieve me of my fears   
finally ending it    
     
this world has become too scary   
to navigate alone
     
I'm sure if I step out on my own
my final fate would be eternal loneliness
with a side of heartbreak
     
I wonder where do the used up   
people of the world go?
     
flaunting themselves at bars
for more humiliation
one night stands on the rocks
unable to face oneself in the mirror
     
there is a nobility to being alone
to standing on one's own feet
     
once upon a time
I knew this place
though that was a different girl
and a different me