deepundergroundpoetry.com
Four Plus One {overhaul of growth. Final Edit 5~3~2018}
~Overhaul of an older original. Check out RevolutionAl new comp seeing if you have evolved.~
Who is she
Who am I
Who are we
We are the deepest purest form of
insanity
We are the army of four plus one
Winters bitter freeze flowing nourishment along her empty veins
Devoid of all emotional connection
ICE is the gatekeeper
Unwavering
Spring loaded
Raring to go
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
Sleek in felines grace
Her low rumble washing one and all in loves warm gentle glow
KAT is powerful and skillfully honed
Silently stalking guarded whispers
Fierce
Motherly
Protective
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
Cheeks blushed cherry in ripeness of curiosity
CHERRY can out drink or drug any man or beast
Absortion is her strongest ability
A creation infused with the unbreakable bonds of loyalty
Steadfast
Will of iron
Deceptive is her appearance
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
lil SPOOK is our lone wolf
Intentions of his being ten foot tall
Secretly stitched seams bulletproof
Mothers chilling wrath gifted instead a brave keeper
Collecting and storing all of our pain
Easily spooked
Rebel
Defiant
A determined lil boy
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
SURVIVOR is our core
She is the navigating force facing the world
She is hauntingly
Beautifully
Insane
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
We are the shattered fragments
To survive we placed our souls upon the auction blocks of hell
Our spirit can neither be controlled nor contained
Cleverly outfoxing the depraved
We fiercely guard our secretly hidden Vault of Self while courageously fighting survivals bloody battlefields
Dancing wild and free in the shadows of moonlight
We are the army of four plus one
Who is she
Who am I
Who are we
We are the deepest purest form of
insanity
We are the army of four plus one
Winters bitter freeze flowing nourishment along her empty veins
Devoid of all emotional connection
ICE is the gatekeeper
Unwavering
Spring loaded
Raring to go
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
Sleek in felines grace
Her low rumble washing one and all in loves warm gentle glow
KAT is powerful and skillfully honed
Silently stalking guarded whispers
Fierce
Motherly
Protective
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
Cheeks blushed cherry in ripeness of curiosity
CHERRY can out drink or drug any man or beast
Absortion is her strongest ability
A creation infused with the unbreakable bonds of loyalty
Steadfast
Will of iron
Deceptive is her appearance
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
lil SPOOK is our lone wolf
Intentions of his being ten foot tall
Secretly stitched seams bulletproof
Mothers chilling wrath gifted instead a brave keeper
Collecting and storing all of our pain
Easily spooked
Rebel
Defiant
A determined lil boy
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
SURVIVOR is our core
She is the navigating force facing the world
She is hauntingly
Beautifully
Insane
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore
We are the shattered fragments
To survive we placed our souls upon the auction blocks of hell
Our spirit can neither be controlled nor contained
Cleverly outfoxing the depraved
We fiercely guard our secretly hidden Vault of Self while courageously fighting survivals bloody battlefields
Dancing wild and free in the shadows of moonlight
We are the army of four plus one
Published 24th Apr 2018
| Edited 4th May 2018
Author's Note
Capitalized names displaying their individuality
aka
The Squad
Everyone who has offered invaluable critique, I hope I'm learning this comp has me deeply excited maybe with a bit more critique my settings of inexperienced will hopefully upgrade to experienced after 3yrs I detest that that question lol. I greatly appreciate every single teacher advising with their critique more than anyone may be able to understand, eyes not on trophy ever forward learning evolvement. Much Love,
The Squad
aka
The Squad
Everyone who has offered invaluable critique, I hope I'm learning this comp has me deeply excited maybe with a bit more critique my settings of inexperienced will hopefully upgrade to experienced after 3yrs I detest that that question lol. I greatly appreciate every single teacher advising with their critique more than anyone may be able to understand, eyes not on trophy ever forward learning evolvement. Much Love,
The Squad
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 8
reads 466
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
25th Apr 2018 9:24am
I was a fan of the original write and was surprised that you chose it, to reinvent...
Critique is only opinion based.
I absolute adore what you did to this poem. The original sounded like a 12 y/o group of girls in a treehouse with a secret club. The rewrite is all grown up and very much a team being introduced and you've set it up not threatening, but almost protective. I love it.
Amongst the changes I loved was the layout, picture choice and stripped punctuation.
The picture is sexy and alluring and compliments those first three lines for me as a reader, I was who is this in the picture? Then you ask that in the first lines and I was "oh goodie you going to tell me!"
Separating and capitalising each protagonist makes it much easier to understand that you're talking of 5 different people.
The stripped down form makes this so much easier to read now ,than it was before.
I love how your identity comes through those lines, almost laid out in the open to be seen. Well done!
Two things I personally would have done in the edits are
1. I would have made the + sign the word "plus" possibly just for ease of reading.
2. I'd have changed the "shes" to "she is" just to give them ownership, especially in the SURVIVOR one.
But both of those are nits and and just opinion.
I really think you have grasped this competition well and have made a fantastic effort at it. Thank you!
Good luck in the comp!
Al
Hello RevolutionAl, a quick question first, do you mind if I correct the issue or is that not allowed?
NOW THEN
3yrs ago when I first became a member, I knew I was highly inexperienced however another's critique fell on deaf ears I simply didn't understand and quite flummoxed trying to figure it all out. While reading an insane amount of poems their advice started taking shape in my many readings. Ever so slowly I started seeing change in my own work yet still couldn't change that setting.
3yrs down the road intention with attention. Steadily I applied myself, untill your Comp came along, excited, I felt as though a final exam of all I'd been taught all I had learned had arrived.
Upon choosing I decided on my favorite and which could better showcase those lessons. I have to admit this poem had many issues, actually a complete disaster my opinion, could I make it better or worse. The picture, carefully chosen to add not only depth but to tie it all together, so glad you noticed. Thoughts and questions you brought up never occurred to me now you have added even deeper depth.
I agree critique is one's personal opinion however it is also invaluable advice which I take to heart.
Reading your critique has lifted beyond me the moon. Me, us Survivor has indeed evolved even thrived here Deep Underground.
I deeply appreciate your attention, quite the Host brilliant Competition. For me it's not about a trophy it's about confidence in changing that silly setting lol.
What it comes down to showing my many teachers their critique didn't go unnoticed nor a waste of their knowledge, time, patience and most of all their steady support.
Once again RevolutionAl my upmost humbled appreciation for your attention as Host, your brilliant Comp, invaluable critique and most of all your many gracious kindnesses. Mad Mad Respect,
The Squad📝
NOW THEN
3yrs ago when I first became a member, I knew I was highly inexperienced however another's critique fell on deaf ears I simply didn't understand and quite flummoxed trying to figure it all out. While reading an insane amount of poems their advice started taking shape in my many readings. Ever so slowly I started seeing change in my own work yet still couldn't change that setting.
3yrs down the road intention with attention. Steadily I applied myself, untill your Comp came along, excited, I felt as though a final exam of all I'd been taught all I had learned had arrived.
Upon choosing I decided on my favorite and which could better showcase those lessons. I have to admit this poem had many issues, actually a complete disaster my opinion, could I make it better or worse. The picture, carefully chosen to add not only depth but to tie it all together, so glad you noticed. Thoughts and questions you brought up never occurred to me now you have added even deeper depth.
I agree critique is one's personal opinion however it is also invaluable advice which I take to heart.
Reading your critique has lifted beyond me the moon. Me, us Survivor has indeed evolved even thrived here Deep Underground.
I deeply appreciate your attention, quite the Host brilliant Competition. For me it's not about a trophy it's about confidence in changing that silly setting lol.
What it comes down to showing my many teachers their critique didn't go unnoticed nor a waste of their knowledge, time, patience and most of all their steady support.
Once again RevolutionAl my upmost humbled appreciation for your attention as Host, your brilliant Comp, invaluable critique and most of all your many gracious kindnesses. Mad Mad Respect,
The Squad📝
25th Apr 2018 1:16pm
"Hello RevolutionAl, a quick question first, do you mind if I correct the issue or is that not allowed? "
-> Absolutely! This is a comp about editing. You can continue up to the last day.
Things evolve in my opinion. Here at DU we forget that...
1.The site changes... (This is important six years ago we couldn't log onto it with mobile, now I only use mobile... What does that mean? Well the formats look different because the site changed and the reader's screan. Also there are new settings etc as you pointed out in your edit. So those old writes don't suit the site dynamic.)
2. Reader's become more educated. They read more and so they expect more from us. Also we have more readers and a wider readership than before.
3. No matter what you do the more you do it the more rehearsed you become. The more rehearsed we are the better we are at doing it.
I think we forget our old poems get read and we forget to look after them
Thank you for your kind words and support!
Enjoyed this convo in many ways
;)
-> Absolutely! This is a comp about editing. You can continue up to the last day.
Things evolve in my opinion. Here at DU we forget that...
1.The site changes... (This is important six years ago we couldn't log onto it with mobile, now I only use mobile... What does that mean? Well the formats look different because the site changed and the reader's screan. Also there are new settings etc as you pointed out in your edit. So those old writes don't suit the site dynamic.)
2. Reader's become more educated. They read more and so they expect more from us. Also we have more readers and a wider readership than before.
3. No matter what you do the more you do it the more rehearsed you become. The more rehearsed we are the better we are at doing it.
I think we forget our old poems get read and we forget to look after them
Thank you for your kind words and support!
Enjoyed this convo in many ways
;)
25th Apr 2018 2:28pm
I too have enjoyed our chats, even in three years much has changed. A mobile is all I also use and this site my only website. No I don't visit much my old work but once fully posted it's done, I leave them, mistakes and all so reader's see me learning thriving evolving, I am proud of myself still much yet to learn. Also right repeated action is invaluable in it's wisdom of knowledge. One last thing, you have helped so much your comp and critique, my profile now states expierenced, for me your comp was a complete success, my appreciation for your many gracious kindnesses knows no Depth. Thank you dear friend, Mad Mad Respect,
Survivor
Survivor
"We the shattered fragments scratching anyone getting to close"
penultimate word in the above line should be "too" intead of "to"
the non-capitalization of first letters of some of the lines, which in my cold/honest opinion is distorting the schema in the reader's mind, though few lines i see are completion of the previous sentence, some i believe are free standing on their own, for example ins stanza 6, the following can be started with a capital letter
"easily spooked
rebel
defiant
determination "
same with stanza 3, 4 & 5.
and this actually in my firm belief though honest, not a critique but a reminder from a friend about the scripting errors, for these highlighted errors are IRRELEVANT when the poem is heard/listened to.
apologies dear friend for not noticing this gem of an expression before!! as your signature style from the beginning your expression narrate ferocity and strenght!
penultimate word in the above line should be "too" intead of "to"
the non-capitalization of first letters of some of the lines, which in my cold/honest opinion is distorting the schema in the reader's mind, though few lines i see are completion of the previous sentence, some i believe are free standing on their own, for example ins stanza 6, the following can be started with a capital letter
"easily spooked
rebel
defiant
determination "
same with stanza 3, 4 & 5.
and this actually in my firm belief though honest, not a critique but a reminder from a friend about the scripting errors, for these highlighted errors are IRRELEVANT when the poem is heard/listened to.
apologies dear friend for not noticing this gem of an expression before!! as your signature style from the beginning your expression narrate ferocity and strenght!
Daggonit cloud man snagged thacomment...
Names capitalized gives each power
I take back most of that power by listing personal traits in lowercase, decreasing their strength I did correct it however I know it throws things off but most don't understand that justs noticing it's off, it's a power play issue, the
forevermore is actually the last word of sentence
Standing guard over all forevermore, I want it right so i suppose I can make it into two sentences. I also corrected to to too I never get those tos right. In order to gain a skill set these things simply have to be pointed out. So if you're up to it, check things over after this comment then I'll hop to comp and that as well. I do appreciate your help it's greatly appreciated. I think I write this way to cut off all emotional so it doesn't get away. Thank you C_F I always enjoy and appreciate your replies. Much love mad mad respect,
me
Names capitalized gives each power
I take back most of that power by listing personal traits in lowercase, decreasing their strength I did correct it however I know it throws things off but most don't understand that justs noticing it's off, it's a power play issue, the
forevermore is actually the last word of sentence
Standing guard over all forevermore, I want it right so i suppose I can make it into two sentences. I also corrected to to too I never get those tos right. In order to gain a skill set these things simply have to be pointed out. So if you're up to it, check things over after this comment then I'll hop to comp and that as well. I do appreciate your help it's greatly appreciated. I think I write this way to cut off all emotional so it doesn't get away. Thank you C_F I always enjoy and appreciate your replies. Much love mad mad respect,
me
25th Apr 2018 8:36pm
I have written such dichotomies of self in the past with extensive avatars of separation. More recently, they have paired down into more like companion aspects on either shoulder. Shadow for my shadow self, which fixates upon the past, Fire for my passionate self, that is always hungry for the future, the next write, the next love and Daniel in the middle, my everyday self. I really enjoyed the structure of this, quite interesting.
Daniel
Daniel
25th Apr 2018 9:24pm
Beginning at age 18 I became a full time lab rat we were paired down to 4 plus me, Survivor, there is still much work to be done, but now it's not such a frantic pace, we will however remain as 4+1 till breaths last. We are more fortunate than most but it came at a steep steep price. It is a conundrum having such complexities isn't it hmmm... It's always good to know another who is a dear friend found a sort of balance I'm so happy for you. As soon as I get caught up I'll grace your page once again Daniel, you haven't been forgotten this I promise you dearest friend, I greatly appreciate you not only gracing my page and sharing such privacy but leaving many many kindnesses, it all is so deeply greatly appreciated, much love and mad mad respect,
me
me
