deepundergroundpoetry.com
Who to Follow
Seek his wisdom,
They always say.
Turn to Him,
Day after day.
Lead yourself,
You may not.
It’s His direction,
That needs to be sought.
Narrow the path,
That you must go.
He will lead you there
Not the way of the crow.
For if it were simple
Come one, come all.
But to get there,
You may have to crawl.
His kingdom is grand,
One day you may see.
If you follow him,
And not me.
They always say.
Turn to Him,
Day after day.
Lead yourself,
You may not.
It’s His direction,
That needs to be sought.
Narrow the path,
That you must go.
He will lead you there
Not the way of the crow.
For if it were simple
Come one, come all.
But to get there,
You may have to crawl.
His kingdom is grand,
One day you may see.
If you follow him,
And not me.
Published 19th Jan 2018
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The author encourages honest critique.
16th Mar 2018 11:47pm
Rod,
Thank you for sharing your work. You said words some people find hard to say, and bravely so.
You asked for honest critique, and I find that so few people really invest themselves into critiquing on this site, so I hope that my deep-crit will prove useful for you. (When I deep-crit, it's usually long and thorough, so please don't be intimidated by the following, it's meant to help you evaluate your work from a third-party point of view.
I thought the first two stanzas were really good and held their own. Simple, but strong.
In the second stanza, I wonder if the last line could be stronger if you changed the wording slightly. Maybe consider "That must be sought."...what do you think?
Not the way of the crow. ---> Is this a reference to a crow in scripture? (I didn't understand this.)
On the following stanza (fourth), the first two lines were good, but the last two weakened it for me:
For if it were simple
Come one, come all.
But to get there,
You may have to crawl.
In your last stanza you completely reverse your stance....was this intentional? Or did you do it because that's the way the words fell into a nice rhyme? If you meant to change your stance, I would encourage you two write an additional stanza before it so that I understand a little more why you did a 180.
Overall, a good poem! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your work. You said words some people find hard to say, and bravely so.
You asked for honest critique, and I find that so few people really invest themselves into critiquing on this site, so I hope that my deep-crit will prove useful for you. (When I deep-crit, it's usually long and thorough, so please don't be intimidated by the following, it's meant to help you evaluate your work from a third-party point of view.
I thought the first two stanzas were really good and held their own. Simple, but strong.
In the second stanza, I wonder if the last line could be stronger if you changed the wording slightly. Maybe consider "That must be sought."...what do you think?
Not the way of the crow. ---> Is this a reference to a crow in scripture? (I didn't understand this.)
On the following stanza (fourth), the first two lines were good, but the last two weakened it for me:
For if it were simple
Come one, come all.
But to get there,
You may have to crawl.
In your last stanza you completely reverse your stance....was this intentional? Or did you do it because that's the way the words fell into a nice rhyme? If you meant to change your stance, I would encourage you two write an additional stanza before it so that I understand a little more why you did a 180.
Overall, a good poem! Thank you for sharing.
21st Mar 2018 5:31pm
Thanks for taking the time for the detailed feedback!
I do like your idea to change "That needs to be sought." to "That must be sought".
It has a better flow.
When I wrote "Not the way of the crow" I was referencing the saying
"as the crow flies" meaning the shortest direct way and I think
if you follow the path God leads you on it will not be the shortest
direct way. He may guide you somewhere or to someone but you may go on
a journey you never dreamed or a journey that is very difficult before
you make it to where he is leading you and he takes you that way to teach you
something, something you would not have learned if you got to that place easily.
Part of the reason for the way I worded the last part is I was trying to tie in everything.
Meaning that you must follow God for his wisdom, let him lead you in the right direction, down the narrow path. The reward is his kingdom but to gain that reward, you must follow him, not me (man).
I do like your idea to change "That needs to be sought." to "That must be sought".
It has a better flow.
When I wrote "Not the way of the crow" I was referencing the saying
"as the crow flies" meaning the shortest direct way and I think
if you follow the path God leads you on it will not be the shortest
direct way. He may guide you somewhere or to someone but you may go on
a journey you never dreamed or a journey that is very difficult before
you make it to where he is leading you and he takes you that way to teach you
something, something you would not have learned if you got to that place easily.
Part of the reason for the way I worded the last part is I was trying to tie in everything.
Meaning that you must follow God for his wisdom, let him lead you in the right direction, down the narrow path. The reward is his kingdom but to gain that reward, you must follow him, not me (man).
