deepundergroundpoetry.com
Additional Taciturn - Edited/Refined
Muses stumble
tumbling out of billowed
helium zeppelins
dead droppings of lead
crashing compelling craniums onto
filthy city concrete
I'm left with naught,
but my own stenchy head
& the voided vacancy;
to traipse through
mirrored
macerated
reflections I dread
refracted rouge
cranberry bruises
kisses of the fullest moon
new breakthrough voodoo
black & bluish berry
finger bushes
growing after rains
plainly gaining more stains
pleated brands upon my
forearm's frames
Tucking underskirt
the pain
stashing the shaming
& parting no lips
to display heated
accountings
Bleating, I should, admittedy
But, repeatedly reticent...
Remained refrained
***
Ok, I let the other go for the sake of the comp (and it's damn hard haha!) But I wanted to tighten it up. Plus, I submitted "undershirt" in the original, and not "underskirt", which REALLY threw off that stanza.
tumbling out of billowed
helium zeppelins
dead droppings of lead
crashing compelling craniums onto
filthy city concrete
I'm left with naught,
but my own stenchy head
& the voided vacancy;
to traipse through
mirrored
macerated
reflections I dread
refracted rouge
cranberry bruises
kisses of the fullest moon
new breakthrough voodoo
black & bluish berry
finger bushes
growing after rains
plainly gaining more stains
pleated brands upon my
forearm's frames
Tucking underskirt
the pain
stashing the shaming
& parting no lips
to display heated
accountings
Bleating, I should, admittedy
But, repeatedly reticent...
Remained refrained
***
Ok, I let the other go for the sake of the comp (and it's damn hard haha!) But I wanted to tighten it up. Plus, I submitted "undershirt" in the original, and not "underskirt", which REALLY threw off that stanza.
Published 19th Dec 2017
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powerful images brought to mind
dearest Atomik..
stunning lines..
"mirrored
macerated
reflections I dread
refracted rouge
cranberry bruises
kisses of the fullest moon
new breakthrough voodoo"
if i'm correct your descibing
an eating disorder
& the pain of it..
exceptional write
on a painful & difficult topic..
love Crim
dearest Atomik..
stunning lines..
"mirrored
macerated
reflections I dread
refracted rouge
cranberry bruises
kisses of the fullest moon
new breakthrough voodoo"
if i'm correct your descibing
an eating disorder
& the pain of it..
exceptional write
on a painful & difficult topic..
love Crim
19th Dec 2017 5:02am
Thank you so very much! :)
It's actually about physical/sexual abuse, and coming to terms with it, and my past inability to speak over it, the pain of looking inward. The full moon symbolizes madness and strength, the bruises are simply that, bruises.
I can totally see how it could apply to eating disorders though. Thank you for the feedback <3
It's actually about physical/sexual abuse, and coming to terms with it, and my past inability to speak over it, the pain of looking inward. The full moon symbolizes madness and strength, the bruises are simply that, bruises.
I can totally see how it could apply to eating disorders though. Thank you for the feedback <3
19th Dec 2017 5:06am
thank you dearest Atomik
for sharing the pain
that inspired this write..
I was unsure
you captured your pain masterfully
with stunning imagery..
you are a brave soul
to share with us..
love Crim
for sharing the pain
that inspired this write..
I was unsure
you captured your pain masterfully
with stunning imagery..
you are a brave soul
to share with us..
love Crim
19th Dec 2017 5:27am
Again, thank you <3 I've deliberated on it for a while, but others have been bold here too, and it was time.
Anonymous
19th Dec 2017 8:45am
Perfectly crafted in , as you said, perfect time.
Difficult to read but freeing nonetheless.
Well done and very brave
Difficult to read but freeing nonetheless.
Well done and very brave
19th Dec 2017 1:13pm
Excellent revision, AtoMikOne. The emotional impact aside, I feel the ending drags a bit, lessening the impact of the verse as a whole. The final line doesn't flow smoothly because of the ampersand and the tenses.
Because you're beginning to discuss these experiences, the present tense of remaining refraining wouldn't apply. But because you didn't discuss them in the past, remained refrained would apply.
Bleating;...I should, admittedy...
But repeatedly reticent...
& Remaining refraining
I would suggest rewriting as thus:
Bleating, I should, admittedy
But, repeatedly reticent...
Remained refrained
The semicolon was misplaced, as ' Bleating' isn't an independent clause.
Again, emotionally powerful post. I just felt the ending weakened it.
Best of in the comp.
Thank you for sharing this experience with us.
Because you're beginning to discuss these experiences, the present tense of remaining refraining wouldn't apply. But because you didn't discuss them in the past, remained refrained would apply.
Bleating;...I should, admittedy...
But repeatedly reticent...
& Remaining refraining
I would suggest rewriting as thus:
Bleating, I should, admittedy
But, repeatedly reticent...
Remained refrained
The semicolon was misplaced, as ' Bleating' isn't an independent clause.
Again, emotionally powerful post. I just felt the ending weakened it.
Best of in the comp.
Thank you for sharing this experience with us.
19th Dec 2017 7:25pm
Thank you SO much! Ahhh! I totally struggle with this stuff sometimes, and I was annoyed with the ending too. I don't even know why I get so stuck on things (probably INFP and inferior Te). I'm not even sure this edit is truly done, but I needed to fix what I could immediately with the original haha! I'm going to do what you proposed verbatim :)
I appreciate your assistance with the gears and grease so much, thank you! <3
I appreciate your assistance with the gears and grease so much, thank you! <3
19th Dec 2017 6:28pm
19th Dec 2017 7:57pm
19th Dec 2017 8:04pm
19th Dec 2017 8:17pm
It opens up feeling like the face of war
"macerated
reflections " -you just put me in a room full of breakables and a baseball bat
"cranberry bruises" -YES,YES,YES WINNING lol
"pleated brands upon my
forearm's frames "- i imagine a wooden marionette AtoMikbomb puppet dancing on strings
"Tucking underskirt
the pain
stashing the shaming
& parting no lips
to display heated
accountings "-this stanza makes me think of abortion or a Love you want to cast out or hide from view
well penned and articulated AtoMik
"macerated
reflections " -you just put me in a room full of breakables and a baseball bat
"cranberry bruises" -YES,YES,YES WINNING lol
"pleated brands upon my
forearm's frames "- i imagine a wooden marionette AtoMikbomb puppet dancing on strings
"Tucking underskirt
the pain
stashing the shaming
& parting no lips
to display heated
accountings "-this stanza makes me think of abortion or a Love you want to cast out or hide from view
well penned and articulated AtoMik
19th Dec 2017 8:32pm
I don't have enough thanks, really. I can be really neurotic, and after I posted this I had a couple shots to calm my nerves and get some sleep. It wasn't easy to submit this. But I don't know why I was nervous, it's a needless fear, there's nothing but love here.
Thank you all very much <3
Thank you all very much <3
