homeless

Honestly I’m just so sad.. how could someone you wanted to give the whole world to, you wanted to explore the inner most workings of their brain, you wanted to memorize each beat of their heart, study every wrinkle and line in their face... burn it into your memory so you will never forget... love them unconditionally no matter what they do.. all gone. I can hardly remember how your lips crease when you talk and the way you laugh, how your eyes wrinkle when you smile at me.. how when you laugh it makes my whole world light up.. now I feel empty and numb.. tired.. exhausted.. at the beginning I was so wide eyed.. so head over heels... so in love with who I thought you were.. you were sweet and kind.. you were gentle and strong and that was sexy.. you knew exactly where to place your hands to make me feel safe.. you always knew what to say when I was sad.. brought me to a much kinder place than my brain.. you stopped me from hurting myself.. I told you everything. I dug deep into my heart and showed you all the things I was too scared to show anyone else.. I showed you all the bad things there are to me and you said you didn’t care.. that you would love me regardless.. I laid in bed at night and fantasized a life we would have and our little family.. and how you would love our daughter just like you loved me and how lucky she would be to have a daddy like you... I woke up and you were the first thing on my mind. The way the sun shined on your face when we were driving in your Jeep.. the way you would look at me when I told you I loved you and the way your mouth moved when you said it back.. I thought nothing could break us apart.. we were invincible..

I was raped in high school. By my friend who I thought I trusted. I’m a shell of a person. Hollow on the inside. He told me I was beautiful. He told me I was smart and funny. I had a crush on him. I thought he was sweet and genuine. He invited me to his house. We smoked. I saw spiders in the corners of the garage and their big webs... all looking at me. I could feel every note of music as if it was running through my body. I was high. I was tired. I sat on the couch in the living room. I woke up a little bit later drooling on my arm. We walked to his bedroom and laid down on the floor. I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night. He was inside me. Thrusting. Thrusting. Thrust... I was mortified. My friend. I pretended I wasn’t awake. He finished. I turned over and fell asleep.

I’m a shell of a person.

My parents. The ones I trusted most in this world... told me I was a whore, hooker, stupid, dramatic, fat, ugly, had more respect for the dog, no one was ever gonna love me, no one was ever gonna stay... not with such a whore. Not with a girl who spread her legs to everyone. I was a virgin. I wasn’t a virgin. I was still a whore. I hated myself. I starved myself. 300 calories a day should do it. Keep me skinny enough. Maybe mom will be proud of me then. Not enough. Never enough. I was never enough. Whore, hooker, stupid, fat.. whore, hooker, stupid, fat... it doesn’t stop. On repeat.. stuck on a loop running through my head at all times. It won’t stop. That’s who I am. Whore, hooker, stupid, fat. I deserve bad things. I am a bad person. No one will ever love me. I deserve bad things. I’m trash. I’m un-love-able.

Why’d you cheat? Why’d you confirm what I knew.. what I didn’t want to really believe.. Why do I feel empty. Whore, hooker, stupid, fat... where’s the scale? I need to weigh myself. Re-weigh.. re-weigh.. repeat... all day.. no eating.. too fat... baggy shirts.. sleeping all day.. I’m not okay.

Swerve into on-coming traffic to feel anything but sad. Wishing I would’ve stayed in the other lane instead of swerving out of the way.. still sad.

I’m a shell of a person.
I’m hollow inside.

Help.

Whore, hooker, stupid, fat....

I hate everything about who I am.

Nobody is gonna love you.