in medias res

I have been waiting      
to return to you      
since my body      
left your earth      
     
with you      
I embodied      
who I'm meant to be      
     
I have been trembling      
with great anxiety      
     
seeing you again . . .      
     
I fear it may not be      
as it was      
     
that maybe you      
have changed      
and I      
     
may not be ready for you      
and there is this creeping      
suspicion my expectations      
are beyond what you can give me      
     
I have invested      
in an elusive possibility --      
maybe that embarrasses me      
     
that I have all my chips      
on Budapest      
     
in search of redemption      
     
I'll finish my M.A.      
quit my dead end job      
     
visit my ancestral home      
and somehow repair      
a fragmented consciousness      
     
I'll return to the States      
with answers and closure      
peace will seep from my skin      
like youth over virgin terrain      
     
I was twenty when I last came      
to your capital      
With seven years  
my eyes are open      
     
but maybe I'd rather know you      
with eyes wide      
closed.