deepundergroundpoetry.com
Without the medication
I have recently been diagnosed as bipolar. I never felt that I was bipolar, I never have what I consider full blown episodes of mania. But as I look back at who I am I see my mind always running and little things that I do that definitely feel manic.
Well part of the solution to this was a couple of drugs to help stabilize my mood. I have been off work for a couple of months trying to work out everything that has been happening because of my undiagnosed condition. It really seemed that everything was ok, so it was time to get back to work.
Well I get into work and start to do my job and low and behold, I can barely function. It feels like I am in a fog, like cotton has been stuffed in my brain. My concentration is shot and my job is taking longer to complete. It is al little overwhelming that what I considered an easy job is now harder. I guess I never realized while I was away from work, because I didn’t need to focus as much.
After two days of this I realize I can’t go on this way. I do not have an appointment with a psychiatrist for three more weeks, so I make an executive decision and stop my meds until I can talk to my doctor. After the weekend I am back at work and the old me is there. The job is easy and I am happy. That is until that afternoon.
When I call my wife later in the day we have a disagreement and I fly off the handle at her. That is not something I was doing on the medication, but it has happened in the past. Was it simply a reaction to our argument or was it because I stopped taking the medication? I just don’t know for sure. As I examine myself as I am now I discover many subtle changes, some good some bad.
The medication helped push back the depression, which was a good thing, but it also curbed my energy. The entire time I have been taking my pills I just can’t seem to find the desire to exercise. Two days off the medicine and I can see me exercising, the want is coming back.
But the energy leads me to another thing. Ruminating about things. My mind has kicked up a degree and now my thoughts take off on tangents again. I have done this in the past, but I wasn’t so consciously aware of it before my diagnosis. Part of me likes that my mind is so active, it makes me feel alive. But when the mind runs wild and you run through possibilities and start assigning motivations to people born from your own thoughts.
I just don’t know what to do. I am so afraid that I am going to lose a part of me. A defining part that the me now can’t live without. That the guy on the other side, to fix my problems will wipe me out. They talk of the candle that burns twice as bright, maybe it is worth burning quicker and going out sooner.
Well part of the solution to this was a couple of drugs to help stabilize my mood. I have been off work for a couple of months trying to work out everything that has been happening because of my undiagnosed condition. It really seemed that everything was ok, so it was time to get back to work.
Well I get into work and start to do my job and low and behold, I can barely function. It feels like I am in a fog, like cotton has been stuffed in my brain. My concentration is shot and my job is taking longer to complete. It is al little overwhelming that what I considered an easy job is now harder. I guess I never realized while I was away from work, because I didn’t need to focus as much.
After two days of this I realize I can’t go on this way. I do not have an appointment with a psychiatrist for three more weeks, so I make an executive decision and stop my meds until I can talk to my doctor. After the weekend I am back at work and the old me is there. The job is easy and I am happy. That is until that afternoon.
When I call my wife later in the day we have a disagreement and I fly off the handle at her. That is not something I was doing on the medication, but it has happened in the past. Was it simply a reaction to our argument or was it because I stopped taking the medication? I just don’t know for sure. As I examine myself as I am now I discover many subtle changes, some good some bad.
The medication helped push back the depression, which was a good thing, but it also curbed my energy. The entire time I have been taking my pills I just can’t seem to find the desire to exercise. Two days off the medicine and I can see me exercising, the want is coming back.
But the energy leads me to another thing. Ruminating about things. My mind has kicked up a degree and now my thoughts take off on tangents again. I have done this in the past, but I wasn’t so consciously aware of it before my diagnosis. Part of me likes that my mind is so active, it makes me feel alive. But when the mind runs wild and you run through possibilities and start assigning motivations to people born from your own thoughts.
I just don’t know what to do. I am so afraid that I am going to lose a part of me. A defining part that the me now can’t live without. That the guy on the other side, to fix my problems will wipe me out. They talk of the candle that burns twice as bright, maybe it is worth burning quicker and going out sooner.
Published 19th Oct 2017
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19th Oct 2017 6:01pm
deares Wolfe I am bipolar as well & am on meds have been for a solid six years now.. I don't have the answer to the questions you are posing yourself in this write.. I have found that I am still manic with my meds so my creativity is not harmed or taken away I couldn't tolerate that.. I do notice days when my meds seems to stifle me a bit but it passes.. I ride out the highs with the lows it's frustrating I wish I could always be up.. you have to do what is best for you.. if you are able to functions without the meds you may not need them..
very interesting write dear poet..
~Raven
very interesting write dear poet..
~Raven
19th Oct 2017 6:05pm
My friend, this is a great self reflection.
I took pills for many years and felt exactly the same effect- the depression was curbed, which was a great release, but my energy levels were so low. I wasn’t enthusiastic, it took a lot of convincing to muster the energy to continue my hobbies...
I can only share from my own experience, and emphasize that I am not a professional here.
Eventually I felt like a zombie, and decided to quit taking the pills. And then I started them again, and stopped them again, and again and again...
I believe it is a personal decision for anyone who has taken medication, whether the benefits outweigh the downfalls. And you will only gain this knowledge from experience.
From the beginning and reinforced over the years of my experience, I had/still have a chip on my shoulder about “Big Pharma” and the way our health care system views mental health/illness. Ultimately I decided that I would pursue other means of subduing my monsters, and after extensive research on my own (trust me- doctors will not tell you about this) I found that a firm change in perspective along with a routine that includes a multitude of therapeutic activities, has been enough to keep me floating for 4 solid years now without medication. (I took medication for about 7 years prior)
Now, not to say that I am a happy plum fairy, but I personally find that addressing the darkness and learning how to live with the monsters that may live inside of us is something that everyone should do, regardless of their diagnosed/undiagnosed mental health status.
I do not wish to preach my specific methods, unless you are looking for suggestions. And all that I can offer are what has worked for me, though I do believe there is an abundant amount of evidence to support these methods.
Big Pharma is not always the answer, but it takes a determined individual to adhere to healthier practices. On medication, you can rely on being stable. Without it, you must rely on yourself and the community that supports your decision to be medication-free. Finding the support system of people has been difficult for me... until I found this place just last month. It is therapeutic here, but I do still hope to find the strength to speak up in my ‘real life’ some day...
Lastly, in regards to your statement about either losing yourself to the medicated haze, or burning up with life and going out sooner... There is a medium, my friend- a balance between the two. I hope you may come to find such harmony and live a long and content life.
I took pills for many years and felt exactly the same effect- the depression was curbed, which was a great release, but my energy levels were so low. I wasn’t enthusiastic, it took a lot of convincing to muster the energy to continue my hobbies...
I can only share from my own experience, and emphasize that I am not a professional here.
Eventually I felt like a zombie, and decided to quit taking the pills. And then I started them again, and stopped them again, and again and again...
I believe it is a personal decision for anyone who has taken medication, whether the benefits outweigh the downfalls. And you will only gain this knowledge from experience.
From the beginning and reinforced over the years of my experience, I had/still have a chip on my shoulder about “Big Pharma” and the way our health care system views mental health/illness. Ultimately I decided that I would pursue other means of subduing my monsters, and after extensive research on my own (trust me- doctors will not tell you about this) I found that a firm change in perspective along with a routine that includes a multitude of therapeutic activities, has been enough to keep me floating for 4 solid years now without medication. (I took medication for about 7 years prior)
Now, not to say that I am a happy plum fairy, but I personally find that addressing the darkness and learning how to live with the monsters that may live inside of us is something that everyone should do, regardless of their diagnosed/undiagnosed mental health status.
I do not wish to preach my specific methods, unless you are looking for suggestions. And all that I can offer are what has worked for me, though I do believe there is an abundant amount of evidence to support these methods.
Big Pharma is not always the answer, but it takes a determined individual to adhere to healthier practices. On medication, you can rely on being stable. Without it, you must rely on yourself and the community that supports your decision to be medication-free. Finding the support system of people has been difficult for me... until I found this place just last month. It is therapeutic here, but I do still hope to find the strength to speak up in my ‘real life’ some day...
Lastly, in regards to your statement about either losing yourself to the medicated haze, or burning up with life and going out sooner... There is a medium, my friend- a balance between the two. I hope you may come to find such harmony and live a long and content life.
Anonymous
20th Oct 2017 1:21am
There are people very dear to me who have expressed concern that their medications change who they are, how they feel. They experience the lower depression and anxiety but say they feel like a blanket has been thrown over their personality. Some find it to be an acceptable trade. Others choose to live with the devil they know rather than exist as a ghost of themselves. This is a choice you alone can make. I don't envy you your position but I'm happy to number you amongst my friends.
21st Oct 2017 1:46pm
Sadly, some people need pills to function.
I've never been on that platform, personally, however I know people who cannot function effectively without pharmacological intervention.
Perhaps, you can find a mood stabiliser that you can take in the mid - afternoon/ early evening, that isn't going to interfere with your functionality in the workplace.
I dunno much about anti-psychotic and psychotropic meds as I've never experienced them - personally, however, it is my understanding that both strands and the dosage, needs careful analysis to ensure you don't suffer the extremity of side effects.
My hope for you is that you find an alternative pathway to stabilising your moods, one that increases your well-being wholly; holistically.
Mind, body and soul ! 🎈🌞🌷😎
I've never been on that platform, personally, however I know people who cannot function effectively without pharmacological intervention.
Perhaps, you can find a mood stabiliser that you can take in the mid - afternoon/ early evening, that isn't going to interfere with your functionality in the workplace.
I dunno much about anti-psychotic and psychotropic meds as I've never experienced them - personally, however, it is my understanding that both strands and the dosage, needs careful analysis to ensure you don't suffer the extremity of side effects.
My hope for you is that you find an alternative pathway to stabilising your moods, one that increases your well-being wholly; holistically.
Mind, body and soul ! 🎈🌞🌷😎
22nd Oct 2017 3:14pm
dearest Wolfe we haven't heard much from you since you posted this
I hope you're doing alright with or without the meds
& are closer to finding the answers posed to yourself in this write
I am bipolar too & struggle with having to take my meds
but in my case I've found they are definately needed..
hope you are well..
love Crim
I hope you're doing alright with or without the meds
& are closer to finding the answers posed to yourself in this write
I am bipolar too & struggle with having to take my meds
but in my case I've found they are definately needed..
hope you are well..
love Crim
22nd Oct 2017 11:06pm
I have also been diagnosed as Bi-polar - but I told the doctor I was straight, sexually, I digress - Cotton brain and zombification tends to be the medical response from professionals moving away fro the asylum treatment of the mentally ill wich was making them cam and compliant a mixture of ECT and many experimental drugs. Zombification was a followed ideology and in parts of the medical profession it still is. I had a two year battle with the medical profession to find and anti depressant that didn't turn me into a zombie, most of the drugs did that and finally a good doctor suggested 'Setraline' - this has staballised my mood so I don't have severe lows or severe highs but I have not lost me and I no longer get cotton brain - I still have ups and downs, PTSD sees to that but they are not so pronounced - I have tried about 11 anti depressants the 12th one worked - it doesn't work for everyone - you have to argue your case with the medical profession and demand anti depressants that don't cloud the mind - Good luck my friend - Hugs :-)
