deepundergroundpoetry.com
Coad Hill
Tag the stars and inhale life
Chase the moon beyond the dark horizon
Destroy a forest in the howling winds
Build your god
Burn it down
Sing Motown to the grass
Apologize for your tone
Aid the black ants
Down with the red ants!
Climb and forgive and lose
Climb and scream and find
Look out to the world outside concrete
Realize you are king
Take over the world
Chase the moon beyond the dark horizon
Destroy a forest in the howling winds
Build your god
Burn it down
Sing Motown to the grass
Apologize for your tone
Aid the black ants
Down with the red ants!
Climb and forgive and lose
Climb and scream and find
Look out to the world outside concrete
Realize you are king
Take over the world
Published 5th Sep 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 3
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
5th Sep 2017 12:08pm
... hey you look like this dude I know... *cough*20fknyears*cough*... lol
One of the things that I think your words always struggles with (and this may just be the style that you write in) is the joining of lines to produce a flowing piece, rather than singular images that move from line to line. It's always like "build a wall, hate a God, fuck the ants" ... and I often wonder what the story is behind those singular images. In terms of emotion, maybe it's worth thinking about expanding slightly as it just builds a connective element with the reader. Similarly with a little punctuation, this can also add something helpful in terms of relaying an emotion.
I'm just saying this in the spirit of looking forward towards any potential publication, really. The images and the context are solid, I think it's just about how you join them together.
Thank you for sharing.
One of the things that I think your words always struggles with (and this may just be the style that you write in) is the joining of lines to produce a flowing piece, rather than singular images that move from line to line. It's always like "build a wall, hate a God, fuck the ants" ... and I often wonder what the story is behind those singular images. In terms of emotion, maybe it's worth thinking about expanding slightly as it just builds a connective element with the reader. Similarly with a little punctuation, this can also add something helpful in terms of relaying an emotion.
I'm just saying this in the spirit of looking forward towards any potential publication, really. The images and the context are solid, I think it's just about how you join them together.
Thank you for sharing.
5th Sep 2017 1:23pm
I've seen my work slowly evolve since I picked up the pen again. I've been taking a lot of lessons from Ginsberg's Howl and his use of imagery, but also from Kerouac and his seemingly random stoppages. I want a more flowing cadence. I'm sure it'll appear soon.
5th Sep 2017 3:21pm
As Miss_Sub above, I thought I was reading a "To Do or Maybe Not To Do List". I feel her advise was well stated. If you are aiming for clarity, keep writing and it should come with some work. Just be true to yourself and write for your pleasure not someone else's.
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