deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sky Diver
The moonlight guides me
Trying not to think about what's underneath
Nothing to hold my feet
Unless I wanna die
No boats or land in sight
I don't know where I am because
I fell from the sky
Trying not to think about what's underneath
Nothing to hold my feet
Unless I wanna die
No boats or land in sight
I don't know where I am because
I fell from the sky
Published 1st Sep 2017
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likes 2
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comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Sep 2017 9:29am
This is very thought provoking in a way, very complex and well-written piece. Really liked it.
~anonshadow
~anonshadow
2nd Sep 2017 1:02pm
Thanks. Glad you liked it. I knew you'd eventually come soon to save the day again as my poem had no admiration for a while lol
16th Mar 2018 11:59pm
Cute poem! Short, but sweet. Within just a few words, you managed to create an interesting and atypical image. Out of curiosity, do you skydive? At night? Or was this metaphorical? Either way, I thought it was a good poem.
I felt there was a little bit of contradiction in two ways, though:
1) At the beginning you say :
"Trying not to think about what's underneath
Nothing to hold my feet
Unless I wanna die"
....which implies that you need to have nothing holding your feet or else you will die (i.e. you will die if something is holding your feet).....which seems counter-intuitive to me. What am I missing here?
2) There sort of seems to be a difference in speed from the beginning to the end. In the last stanza, you say you fell from the sky, yet in the first stanza I got the impression that you were almost suspended in the sky (and judging from the title, I would have thought that maybe you were slowly, gracefully parachuting down), but the shortness of the poem makes it feel like you reached the ground really quickly, which jars me out of the gentle floating that I had imagined to begin with. Maybe I misinterpreted the beginning?
I hope my deep-crit helps. So many people ask for 'honest feedback' on this site and I find that people rarely take the time to crit in-depth, which is rather a shame. At one point I critiqued with a writers' group regularly and my best critiquers were always brutal with my work...and my work was the better for it. Poetry is a little harder as there is so much more artistic licence granted with it, but I don't think that anything is beyond an honest evaluation, prose or poetry, so I hope this was helpful to you.
I felt there was a little bit of contradiction in two ways, though:
1) At the beginning you say :
"Trying not to think about what's underneath
Nothing to hold my feet
Unless I wanna die"
....which implies that you need to have nothing holding your feet or else you will die (i.e. you will die if something is holding your feet).....which seems counter-intuitive to me. What am I missing here?
2) There sort of seems to be a difference in speed from the beginning to the end. In the last stanza, you say you fell from the sky, yet in the first stanza I got the impression that you were almost suspended in the sky (and judging from the title, I would have thought that maybe you were slowly, gracefully parachuting down), but the shortness of the poem makes it feel like you reached the ground really quickly, which jars me out of the gentle floating that I had imagined to begin with. Maybe I misinterpreted the beginning?
I hope my deep-crit helps. So many people ask for 'honest feedback' on this site and I find that people rarely take the time to crit in-depth, which is rather a shame. At one point I critiqued with a writers' group regularly and my best critiquers were always brutal with my work...and my work was the better for it. Poetry is a little harder as there is so much more artistic licence granted with it, but I don't think that anything is beyond an honest evaluation, prose or poetry, so I hope this was helpful to you.
Thanks for the critique (or whatever it’s called). I’m just floating above the water the whole time in this poem. It takes place at night time as you can see with me being guided by the moonlight. I’m floating above the water “trying not to think about what’s underneath” with “nothing to hold my feet”. There’s “no boats or land in sight” which shows I’m in the middle of a large body of water. “I don’t know where I am because I fell from the sky” which shows that I had already fallen from the sky before then. So the whole time I’m floating above the water.
