Forced to Kneel    (Part 2 -  Killer Memories)

My step-dad's pissed, always is  
with his alcoholically-defective mentality,  
plus his erratic moods are always  
twitching up and down.  
 
I stay silent, walk in shadows with  
quick and quiet feet hoping he won't see me  
in the corners of the room.  
   
He's a psycho, so deranged  
and lately he's been getting worse.  
His warped mind creating brand new ways  
to torment and abuse.  
 
Assaulting with his caustic threats of shooting me  
promising to take me for a drive and then  
he'll fly straight off a cliff, one day soon  
when least expected.  
   
Sometimes dad hits me for reasons  
I still can't comprehend, using open hand until  
it hurts him, then he turns to his trusted belt and buckle  
whipping out a series of thunderous lashes  
as he counts each and every one  
appearing so serene as he revels in the  
thrill of his own sickness.  
   
Tonight he made me pray again  
and forced me to kneel  
before a church alter he now keeps  
in the dark living room at our home.  
   
It's his latest, and most favored, torture toy.  
   
Dad claims he found that altar at some  
abandoned church and then brought it home  
so he could wield it like some  
righteous type of weapon.  
He said it would release evil spirits  
he could sense  
lingering deep inside me.  
   
Does he think he's God or some sort of holy priest?  
Whenever he would assume I had sinned  
he would make me kneel down  
at that sacred wooden altar and as  
hours passed that sick sadist would  
force-feed me some dumb recitations  
he created as a penance for my sins.  
 
So I repented and repeated words that were spilling from his lips:  
   
   "I love you dad, I love my mom, I love myself"  
   
monotonous     over      over      hour      hour      over  
monotonous, over and over and hour and hour and over again.  
monotonous over     over      hour     hour       over  
   
Afterwards, my red-blue bruise-stained knees  
would be screaming in agonizing pain.  
My mother always appeared to be unaware of how I hurt.  
Unconsciously floating around...it's how she preferred to remain.  
 
Today I still resent her, have all this pent-up rage brewing inside  
guess that's something step-dad passed along to me.  
   
I pray those feelings die and memories fade...  
   
Can't even begin to understand  
what it means to 'love myself'  
I never look long in the mirror  
cause it reminds me of  
that shitty part of step-dad  
I can still see  
reflected back at me.  
   
I wonder if he'll kill me one day.  
If he drives off that cliff  
will he really take me too  (if I don't kill him first?)  
 
Only God knows how this will end...  
I can't live this way with step-dad  
I'm praying for forgiveness  
I'd rather have his blood  
on my hands than  
be forced down  
on my knees  
again.  
   
    

Part 1 "Killer Memories":  https://allpoetry.com/poem/13227251-killer-memories-by-WhiteTiger-adult

Part 2 "Forced to Kneel": https://allpoetry.com/poem/13234658-forced-to-kneel-----part-2----killer-memories--by-WhiteTiger-adult

Part 3 "Waterboarding": https://allpoetry.com/poem/13248451-Killer-memories---part-3---waterboarding--by-WhiteTiger-adult

Here's a link to "Lucid Suffering" - A story of a step-dad and white-tailed deer:
https://allpoetry.com/poem/13205071-lucid-suffering--by-WhiteTiger