deepundergroundpoetry.com
Out Out Out
Change The Weather, Change The Scenery
Change Everything That You Mean To Me
We Used To Have Love, I Thought We Had Fate
And Now I Cant Seem To Get My Head Straight
I Didn't Think Black Could Be Any Darker
Maybe Next Time, I'll Be A Bit Smarter
Im a Realist, And Know Nothing Lasts Forever
But Still Enjoy These Rare Moments Of Pleasure
Feeling Lost, As You Was My Best Friend
But Time To Move On, To Grow And Transcend.
Change Everything That You Mean To Me
We Used To Have Love, I Thought We Had Fate
And Now I Cant Seem To Get My Head Straight
I Didn't Think Black Could Be Any Darker
Maybe Next Time, I'll Be A Bit Smarter
Im a Realist, And Know Nothing Lasts Forever
But Still Enjoy These Rare Moments Of Pleasure
Feeling Lost, As You Was My Best Friend
But Time To Move On, To Grow And Transcend.
Published 17th Jan 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 704
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
17th Jan 2017 12:07pm
<< post removed >>
17th Jan 2017 4:12pm
First, welcome to the Deep Side. I enjoyed the rhyme and rhythm of the piece very much.
Because you have requested honest critique I have the following to contribute:
First, there is nothing worse than a grammatical error disturbing the flow of a read (imho). "Was" should be "were", without the caps, preferably...
Feeling Lost, As You Was My Best Friend
...which brings me to wondering why you are capitalizing every word. It causes an emphasis that disrupts a smooth flow in a poem with rhyme. Also, the natural habit of pausing a bit with a cap (unless a name or place) interjects, causing one to think they may have missed an end stop along the way. You may be attempting to develop a certain style and that's understandable; however, in this case I feel it doesn't serve you.
Because you have requested honest critique I have the following to contribute:
First, there is nothing worse than a grammatical error disturbing the flow of a read (imho). "Was" should be "were", without the caps, preferably...
Feeling Lost, As You Was My Best Friend
...which brings me to wondering why you are capitalizing every word. It causes an emphasis that disrupts a smooth flow in a poem with rhyme. Also, the natural habit of pausing a bit with a cap (unless a name or place) interjects, causing one to think they may have missed an end stop along the way. You may be attempting to develop a certain style and that's understandable; however, in this case I feel it doesn't serve you.
18th Jan 2017 7:51am
18th Jan 2017 4:22pm
