deepundergroundpoetry.com

L.I V.E.

Pull the substance out of your mind
find your dinstict inner child
Don't trust others' sayings of you
Nothing happens to, but for you
Seek deliverance no where
Find your insatiate pair
and together rule your world
contrast to your determined role
Scream and break the walls like glass
Don't create pains in your ass
Feed arsenic to your fears
Do what your heart dreamt through years

Written by personanongrata

(Astral Gift)

Published 26th Dec 2016 | Edited 27th Dec 2016

All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.

likes 3 reading list entries 0

comments 6 reads 680

Commenting Preference:

The author encourages honest critique.

Re. L.I V.E.

whale

26th Dec 2016 2:18pm

Do what your heart dreamt
Amen to that

Read poems by whale

Re. L.I V.E.

RevolutionAL (Alistair Plint)

- Edited 26th Dec 2016 9:18pm

26th Dec 2016 9:14pm

Wow!

That is amazing poetry there!
In terms of honest critique...

I think...
"Trust what no one says of you" or
"Don't trust what others say of you"
in line 3
[In English the double negative doesn't read well.]

I'm not sure about the second comma here...
"Nothing happens to, but for, you"
it seems redundant and almost in the way...
But I also wondered if...
"Things happen for you, not to you"
wouldn't flow better?

Then what did you mean in
"Find your insatiate pair"
?
"insatiate" means "never satisfied" Is that what you mean to say?

But really, this poem if you edited it a few times will be your signature piece... it's stunning really.

Thank you for this!

Love @ you
Al-x-