deepundergroundpoetry.com
this house
i toss my cigarette onto the car port,
and with i throw away my desire to change;
here i sit again,
the same as i do everyday;
with nothing in my hands but false hopes,
and empty promises;
i watch the bustling of life from the torn and broken swing,
that sits in front of the house of my youth;
this house and i remain standing in the same place as when we first met,
of course we're both older and falling to pieces around anyone who lives inside of us;
although damaged it has remained to be a shelter for many lost souls along the way,
but it was never able to save mine;
the black hole it has created swallows me,
again and again;
i keep telling my self to stand up,
take your first step;
remodel the shell of life,
chsnge the exterior and the interior.
and with i throw away my desire to change;
here i sit again,
the same as i do everyday;
with nothing in my hands but false hopes,
and empty promises;
i watch the bustling of life from the torn and broken swing,
that sits in front of the house of my youth;
this house and i remain standing in the same place as when we first met,
of course we're both older and falling to pieces around anyone who lives inside of us;
although damaged it has remained to be a shelter for many lost souls along the way,
but it was never able to save mine;
the black hole it has created swallows me,
again and again;
i keep telling my self to stand up,
take your first step;
remodel the shell of life,
chsnge the exterior and the interior.
Published 30th Jul 2011
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Anonymous
30th Jul 2011 6:34am
I enjoyed this piece! It's a great introspective poem which has a lot of depth. I would suggest editing it a bit and making some minor corrections, like the ones below.
L2 should be "it".
L11 should have a comma after "damaged"
L15 should be "myself"
L18 should be "change"
I'd eliminate the redundant use commas and semicolons at the end of each line. Try capitalizing the first letter of the first word in the line that you think begins a new thought or sentence. Each line that's part of that sentence will begin with a lower-case letter so as to denote continuous flow. Then, end the sentence with a period. Use commas only when you want to emphasize a break or a pause in the flow of the poem.
L2 should be "it".
L11 should have a comma after "damaged"
L15 should be "myself"
L18 should be "change"
I'd eliminate the redundant use commas and semicolons at the end of each line. Try capitalizing the first letter of the first word in the line that you think begins a new thought or sentence. Each line that's part of that sentence will begin with a lower-case letter so as to denote continuous flow. Then, end the sentence with a period. Use commas only when you want to emphasize a break or a pause in the flow of the poem.
30th Jul 2011 9:53am
...anywho...Art is perfect in it's imperfections, especially something as intimate as this. not to say corrections are rude. I enjoyed this, and unfortunatly can relate quite well w/ the feeling of hopelessness
