deepundergroundpoetry.com
8 people 7 days 1 bathroom
I've used more expletives
in the last week
than I've used
in every month this year
I've cried from tiredness and anger
I've cried from reasons I can't define
I might be crying right now
I've slept my way to fitful wakefulness
every hour a blink edging towards
the wrong side of sanity's door
I ache from cold and one night
spent on the floor
because only foresight was capable
of telling me it was more
comfortable than the bed
and only in hindsight
can my body tell me I was wrong
The air smells like too many people
spilt drinks and cigarettes
and if the scent of weed still lingers
in the curtains I'm the one to blame
breaking my one year resolve
to not get stoned
I've become antisocial
on the physical plane
spending all my time on my phone
in an effort to distract myself
from the hollow company
I can't escape
all my money blown on the weekend
lured by the city lights
and a snapped bag strap
that demanded I replace the whole bag
And now I am counting down the hours
until I can go home and spend
a week in my room alone
Because fate has decided
I won't find happiness
in the company of family
opinions and agendas clashing
on the way to World War 3
(C) Indie Adams 2016
in the last week
than I've used
in every month this year
I've cried from tiredness and anger
I've cried from reasons I can't define
I might be crying right now
I've slept my way to fitful wakefulness
every hour a blink edging towards
the wrong side of sanity's door
I ache from cold and one night
spent on the floor
because only foresight was capable
of telling me it was more
comfortable than the bed
and only in hindsight
can my body tell me I was wrong
The air smells like too many people
spilt drinks and cigarettes
and if the scent of weed still lingers
in the curtains I'm the one to blame
breaking my one year resolve
to not get stoned
I've become antisocial
on the physical plane
spending all my time on my phone
in an effort to distract myself
from the hollow company
I can't escape
all my money blown on the weekend
lured by the city lights
and a snapped bag strap
that demanded I replace the whole bag
And now I am counting down the hours
until I can go home and spend
a week in my room alone
Because fate has decided
I won't find happiness
in the company of family
opinions and agendas clashing
on the way to World War 3
(C) Indie Adams 2016
Published 21st Sep 2016
| Edited 8th Oct 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 0
comments 5
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Sep 2016 4:39am
oh boy .... another doomed artist meanders through the brambles .... Im a few meters to the left (Ms.) Indie ....
Anonymous
23rd Sep 2016 9:33am
Christ, woman. Heartbreaking.
For some reason I started hearing Blink-182's 'Adam's Song' in my head when I finished reading this. Similar sort of vein I feel.
Your writes always take us on a roller coaster through Hell, not an easy thing to do. Somehow you do it well.
Hoping you are ok, regardless. x
For some reason I started hearing Blink-182's 'Adam's Song' in my head when I finished reading this. Similar sort of vein I feel.
Your writes always take us on a roller coaster through Hell, not an easy thing to do. Somehow you do it well.
Hoping you are ok, regardless. x
Anonymous
6th Oct 2016 1:07pm
Hello,
Hell of a write here,
Disclaimer, you suggested you would like honest critique, last time I offered such, it was not recieved in the manner I had intended, so in the name of clarity, I enjoyed the write, hence the reason i am taking the time to look into it deeper :) and offer some suggestions based on personal opinion......(hmm, do I make this a cut and paste template :) )
Onto the poem,
The title is interesting, draws a reader in and is also an epiphany at the end, brought about by a clever unvieling as the poem is read through. I'm assuming the use of "family" at the end of the narrative points to the title, revealing a week of reunion that was anything but happy families (world war 3) you told me so :)
The use of a running interior monologue structure is effective in emoting empathy from your reader in a wry sort of "I know this feeling intimately" kind of nod
I've slept my way to fitfully wakefulness...
Fitfully, felt off, I feel
fitful wakefullness seems more acurate, but speaking the thing out all the "l's" smoosh together,
Maybe cut fitfully alltogether?
I've slept my way to
wakefullness,
read our loud it sounds clearer, more precise.
"I've become antisocial
on the physical plane
spending all my time on my phone
in an effort to distract myself"
Haven't we all :)
Hell of a write here,
Disclaimer, you suggested you would like honest critique, last time I offered such, it was not recieved in the manner I had intended, so in the name of clarity, I enjoyed the write, hence the reason i am taking the time to look into it deeper :) and offer some suggestions based on personal opinion......(hmm, do I make this a cut and paste template :) )
Onto the poem,
The title is interesting, draws a reader in and is also an epiphany at the end, brought about by a clever unvieling as the poem is read through. I'm assuming the use of "family" at the end of the narrative points to the title, revealing a week of reunion that was anything but happy families (world war 3) you told me so :)
The use of a running interior monologue structure is effective in emoting empathy from your reader in a wry sort of "I know this feeling intimately" kind of nod
I've slept my way to fitfully wakefulness...
Fitfully, felt off, I feel
fitful wakefullness seems more acurate, but speaking the thing out all the "l's" smoosh together,
Maybe cut fitfully alltogether?
I've slept my way to
wakefullness,
read our loud it sounds clearer, more precise.
"I've become antisocial
on the physical plane
spending all my time on my phone
in an effort to distract myself"
Haven't we all :)
6th Oct 2016 10:53pm
I'm assuming you're about on another profile as well :)
I will admit I don't always take on board critique, but I do still want it as it challenges the way I view my work, and that is always a good thing. Though sometimes my emotional attachment to pieces clouds my judgment.
Thankyou for picking up fitfully, it's now been amended. And thankyou for taking the time to read and crit my piece. Much appreciated. :)
I will admit I don't always take on board critique, but I do still want it as it challenges the way I view my work, and that is always a good thing. Though sometimes my emotional attachment to pieces clouds my judgment.
Thankyou for picking up fitfully, it's now been amended. And thankyou for taking the time to read and crit my piece. Much appreciated. :)
Anonymous
8th Oct 2016 2:15am
Critique is as often enough for the critiquer as the authour, a ways of consolidating thought process, visualising what is working, what isn't working and why,
Then there's the added benefit that it often as not translates into your own writing, a critiquer is often reviled and persecuted because they challenge, they question.
I don't expect any person to use any of my suggestions, they are merely that suggestions
They offer though honest validation that someone has given the write time, and a little bit of effort :)
But mostly it's selfish 😆
Then there's the added benefit that it often as not translates into your own writing, a critiquer is often reviled and persecuted because they challenge, they question.
I don't expect any person to use any of my suggestions, they are merely that suggestions
They offer though honest validation that someone has given the write time, and a little bit of effort :)
But mostly it's selfish 😆
