the doc's say im sick but  its a conspiercy theory

there is an under verse waiting for me.
  
deep depression slithers in this shell of a body  
snakes bugs rats and guts fester inside me  
toxic holocaust reaction meltdown what's left of me
  
you can't understand how powerful it is  
this P.T.S.D skitzo-affective manic depression that is  
it consumes me  
eats me  
riddles my body
leaving me empty.
  
the health effects  of this mental illness are unknown, but I can tell you it destroys me more than the dope
maybe the addiction is a byproduct of this sickness, but I don't dwell on or the origins of it.
  
it's there to stay within me  
pushing the ones I love away
and far away from me  
keeping me isolated  
so it can have its way with me
endlessly .
internally  
it will torture me
  
I try not to take it out  on the ones I love,
 but only two  
have ever existed for me,
  
 you say what about your blood family?
  
 fuck those bitches  
I'll sew them together  
to make a nice winter blanket
their soft skins  soothing me
  
 hey look my mom's tattoo  
I remember when she got that too.
I knew you had a purpose mom  
thanks a lot to

now I scan the skins  
looking for the rest of my kin
playing connect the dots.
like I was a kid again