deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lost in the abyss
You were the sun..
warm, and vibrant
Your smile rose over the horizon
In all it's pastel hues of soft beauty
Inviting like the new dawn
You were the tree
that shade me
From the burn
Sheltering me
From the storm
Until it's eye
Consumed you
Summer fading quickly
to fall
like a gentle breeze
with sudden changes
The vibrancy of your leaves
Turning colors
with your heart
Green with jealousy
to golden gluttony
wanting more
Taking everything
Shifting to the
Black soil
That poisoned
Your roots
Marooned with envy
Of those that
came before you
until you transformed
Red with rage
Going up in your own
Flames
You became
a hurricane
Destroying
Everything
In your wake
Tearing me asunder
When to winter
you surely turned
Cold to the touch
Emotionally vacant
Deep blue
The color
You've become
Reminding me how some things
Never stay the same
Leaving me in awe of just how quickly
the temperature can change.
With a sad realization
That these seasons are
Lost in the abyss
Before spring ever comes.
Published 16th Dec 2015
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
16th Dec 2015 2:50pm
Ahhh . . . Your descriptive words are, as they say, right
on concerning the lost love and withdrawal of the same.
When love leaves there is something very bad within the
heart of the one who used to care, discoloring what used
to be rosy into the blackest mindset which only wants to
hurt that love he/she used to respect and look tenderly upon.
on concerning the lost love and withdrawal of the same.
When love leaves there is something very bad within the
heart of the one who used to care, discoloring what used
to be rosy into the blackest mindset which only wants to
hurt that love he/she used to respect and look tenderly upon.
16th Dec 2015 3:00pm
Winter can take its toll and many freeze to death; however, there is season of growth from dormancy. Always.
There are some really great lines in this. I particularly enjoyed how it adopted a seasonal transition in its content.
Because you have asked for honest critique, I would suggest the following minor corrections.
You were the sun.. (<-- is this intended as an ellipses? or did you type once too many periods?)
warm, and vibrant (<-- I would either remove the comma or 'and' - it's a bit redundant using both)
Your smile rose over the horizon
In all it's pastel hues of soft beauty (<-- 'it's' doesn't require an apostrophe because it's already possessive, nor should be a contraction [it would then be the abbreviated form of it is/it has]
Inviting like the new dawn
You were the tree
that shade me (<-- shade should be past tense)
From the burn
Sheltering me
From the storm
Until it's eye (<--- again, its is possessive and shouldn't be a contraction...)
Consumed you
The rest looked fine to me. Again, some great lines with wonderful imagery outlining the parallel similarities between mother and human nature.
Thanks for sharing.
There are some really great lines in this. I particularly enjoyed how it adopted a seasonal transition in its content.
Because you have asked for honest critique, I would suggest the following minor corrections.
You were the sun.. (<-- is this intended as an ellipses? or did you type once too many periods?)
warm, and vibrant (<-- I would either remove the comma or 'and' - it's a bit redundant using both)
Your smile rose over the horizon
In all it's pastel hues of soft beauty (<-- 'it's' doesn't require an apostrophe because it's already possessive, nor should be a contraction [it would then be the abbreviated form of it is/it has]
Inviting like the new dawn
You were the tree
that shade me (<-- shade should be past tense)
From the burn
Sheltering me
From the storm
Until it's eye (<--- again, its is possessive and shouldn't be a contraction...)
Consumed you
The rest looked fine to me. Again, some great lines with wonderful imagery outlining the parallel similarities between mother and human nature.
Thanks for sharing.
16th Dec 2015 6:51pm
I used multiple periods to indicate a pause or to represent the thought lingering. My pieces aren't intended to be grammatically correct. I just paint my emotions with words.
Thank you for the input
Thank you for the input
16th Dec 2015 10:57pm
As if a deluge of rainfall as the emotions are washed over you. One wishes the showers of spring may be gentler to you.
17th Dec 2015 00:04am
