deepundergroundpoetry.com
My Sadness to Happiness
.
Mesmerized by you and I feel so high
Young hearts are an union of the karma
Singing in your sweet voice to me, I clap
And dance with you, and I lie in your lap
Dreams are alive because of you and i
Naked bodies do the arts under the moon
Every part of your body for me is a divine
So many nights, but where's my tiredness
Stay with me forever my sweet princess
.
Mesmerized by you and I feel so high
Young hearts are an union of the karma
Singing in your sweet voice to me, I clap
And dance with you, and I lie in your lap
Dreams are alive because of you and i
Naked bodies do the arts under the moon
Every part of your body for me is a divine
So many nights, but where's my tiredness
Stay with me forever my sweet princess
.
Published 28th Sep 2015
| Edited 22nd Aug 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
28th Sep 2015 11:21pm
29th Sep 2015 4:59am
good stuff, man
it all reads very well 'cept p'raps the 3rd and 4th line read forced to fit. which is a shame, but some thought might fix that right up for you. on a constructive note, I think when you sandwich short lines between bold capitals like that, it looks bad. if you just bold lower case it'd look a lot better and readers can still figure out what you've done without having it flying in their face.
that said, it's just semantics and personal preference so probably not worth considering
good stuff, fair play
..actually, I'm not being fair. the 4th doesn't read forced to fit. I think it's just the singing at the start of the third that put me off a little. ...pay no heed
it all reads very well 'cept p'raps the 3rd and 4th line read forced to fit. which is a shame, but some thought might fix that right up for you. on a constructive note, I think when you sandwich short lines between bold capitals like that, it looks bad. if you just bold lower case it'd look a lot better and readers can still figure out what you've done without having it flying in their face.
that said, it's just semantics and personal preference so probably not worth considering
good stuff, fair play
..actually, I'm not being fair. the 4th doesn't read forced to fit. I think it's just the singing at the start of the third that put me off a little. ...pay no heed
thank you very much, it was kind of you take your time to give me a good constructive feedback.
Yeah now I see that, bold capitals at the end is a bad idea :)
And I did try to rhyme those letters in 3rd and 4th also last two S's.
*I edited the poem after this comment
Yeah now I see that, bold capitals at the end is a bad idea :)
And I did try to rhyme those letters in 3rd and 4th also last two S's.
*I edited the poem after this comment
