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for two days...
I will love you intensely for two days
for two days I will let you own every inch of me
every inch of me will burn for the darkness in your eyes
the darkness in your eyes will haunt my dreams
my dreams will breathe and pulse with the memory of your blood beneath my fingertips
beneath my fingertips I’ll remember how you’d bend and break and scream for my mercy
my mercy that was unforgiving and unrelenting
and unrelenting I’ll remember how I let you drown me in ecstasy and pain
for two days…
© Indie Adams 2014
Note: I have never written a poem like this before, so aside from content if you'd take a second to give me some feedback on how the style works for you, that'd be great. Thanks
for two days I will let you own every inch of me
every inch of me will burn for the darkness in your eyes
the darkness in your eyes will haunt my dreams
my dreams will breathe and pulse with the memory of your blood beneath my fingertips
beneath my fingertips I’ll remember how you’d bend and break and scream for my mercy
my mercy that was unforgiving and unrelenting
and unrelenting I’ll remember how I let you drown me in ecstasy and pain
for two days…
© Indie Adams 2014
Note: I have never written a poem like this before, so aside from content if you'd take a second to give me some feedback on how the style works for you, that'd be great. Thanks
Published 16th Oct 2014
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comments 8
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The author encourages honest critique.
16th Oct 2014 11:35am
I like the chain link effect you achieve by hooking a word from the end of a line into the beginning of the next ... It adds to tension of the "two days"
Ah, thank you very much LSP :) tension is always a good thing to have particularly in this genre. I'm not sure about the poem per se but as an experiment goes I think it works pretty well.
16th Oct 2014 2:41pm
what LobodeSanPedro said! my honest opinion (because it matters....like i'm an authority) is right there with the previous comment. the linking of beginning to end does add to the intensity. but the words alone; the structure, the content. you can feel it smoldering. it's a 10 minute powderkeg. it's a small amount of words worth a thousand images. it's an epic tryst done over two days .....in two minutes.
moved the hell out of me
moved the hell out of me
17th Oct 2014 1:09am
Thank you very much MG for your awesome comment x) much appreciated. I'm glad all the elements of this piece work for you.
Anonymous
16th Oct 2014 5:56pm
This piece feels dark and cold although seasoned with an intense heat. I'm not crazy about the repetition of each line, like "for two days", "my dreams", "every inch"
But, it does work for this piece more than I can imagine it working in others.
Either way, a read that does impact the reader and feels worthy,
Shine on :)
But, it does work for this piece more than I can imagine it working in others.
Either way, a read that does impact the reader and feels worthy,
Shine on :)
Thank you Miki :) for taking the time to give some feedback. Much appreciated. This piece was an experiment and I think it lends itself to erotica more than any other genre. I'm glad that parts of the poem shone through even though the repetition wasnt working for you :)
17th Oct 2014 6:15am
I like the layout of this, as every ending becomes a new beginning. as for the setting itself, it's a fascinating journey into relentless debauchery...
17th Oct 2014 11:55am
Thank you for your lovely comment :) I'm glad the piece worked for you. "a fascinating journey into relentless debauchery" I'll take that compliment any day x)
