deepundergroundpoetry.com
the yesterday song
she was at the funeral too
knew she’d wear the black dress
knew she’d be blanked out on valium and dope
knew she’d feel it anyway
saw her arrive with her friends
in the middle of them
surrounded by them
hardest thing about her
was always getting her alone
said hello to me
her eyes as empty as doors
made me remember how I would protect her
when she’d taken herself out
it was like looking after a child
seems weak now
later
as the funeral rolled on
she walked out the back behind me
overdone by what she was feeling
had the old urge to go to her
couldn’t and didn’t
told her too many lies
to offer her anything
she’ll ever believe again
kept my back turned
kept my mind on the grieving at hand
felt better
once my own drug
kicked in
we were always this way
Published 12th Mar 2014
| Edited 13th Mar 2014
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likes 14
reading list entries 3
comments 22
reads 1107
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The author encourages honest critique.
12th Mar 2014 11:52pm
Painful ink. In a time of suffering it's easy to fall back into old habits. I like how this ended, great willpower. Enjoyed :)
13th Mar 2014 4:52am
My dear..not sure if that was on the menu, but funerals do remind us of where we went wrong....
13th Mar 2014 00:05am
13th Mar 2014 4:53am
Hemi
this is wonderful, it's like finding a sequel to a story that's still floating around in the head, probably what you were aiming for given the first line.
I dunno man, don't really like to question your technique but that line:
"told her too many lies to offer her anything she’ll ever believe again"
looks like its asking to be broken up a little. I don't think two lines would do it though, I tried and found that if you were of the mind, it would need three
told her too many lies
to offer anything
she'll ever believe again
then again I'm not sure but the thought struck me so I struck you with it :) maybe shorten "how I would protect her" to "how I'd protect her" semantics I s'pose
"felt better once my own drug kicked in" brings a nice correlation to the previous write's ending and links them both solidly, masterfully executed
great stuff man, shine on
this is wonderful, it's like finding a sequel to a story that's still floating around in the head, probably what you were aiming for given the first line.
I dunno man, don't really like to question your technique but that line:
"told her too many lies to offer her anything she’ll ever believe again"
looks like its asking to be broken up a little. I don't think two lines would do it though, I tried and found that if you were of the mind, it would need three
told her too many lies
to offer anything
she'll ever believe again
then again I'm not sure but the thought struck me so I struck you with it :) maybe shorten "how I would protect her" to "how I'd protect her" semantics I s'pose
"felt better once my own drug kicked in" brings a nice correlation to the previous write's ending and links them both solidly, masterfully executed
great stuff man, shine on
13th Mar 2014 4:57am
Eamon, again and again you hit the lines I don't like, or don't sit well for me....either you're keeping me honest or you're in my fucking head :-)
The 'ugly' line was left that way because it isn't poetry...didn't want to make it pretty, because the idea itself is ugly. I've used this idea before and to be honest it probably doesn't work...so don't be surprised if it gets changed....and yes, it would be 3 lines for sure if it came to it :-)
Good on you man, for the continued and entirely enjoyable dialogue we have built around words....
h.
The 'ugly' line was left that way because it isn't poetry...didn't want to make it pretty, because the idea itself is ugly. I've used this idea before and to be honest it probably doesn't work...so don't be surprised if it gets changed....and yes, it would be 3 lines for sure if it came to it :-)
Good on you man, for the continued and entirely enjoyable dialogue we have built around words....
h.
13th Mar 2014 3:31am
great title. yesterday & all the yesterdays before that. the song you'll never get out of your head...
13th Mar 2014 4:57am
That's pretty much it mate....the things that can't be changed.....or something....
h.
h.
Hemi lot's of regrets in this write.. the telling of emotion and lack of is masterful.. leaves me singing a sad song in my head.. a poignant ending
" kept my back turned
kept my mind on the grieving at hand
felt better
once my own drug
kicked in
we were always this way"
so very stoic but then what else to do with the cards you're dealt.. with love and the deepest respect Crim
" kept my back turned
kept my mind on the grieving at hand
felt better
once my own drug
kicked in
we were always this way"
so very stoic but then what else to do with the cards you're dealt.. with love and the deepest respect Crim
13th Mar 2014 9:23pm
Crim my dear....very generous of you to tell me the ways this piece works for you, and pleased to hear that it did at all :-)
Good on ya baby :-)
hh
Good on ya baby :-)
hh
and a song it is. i know you don't like RL adds without a little explanation, and i apologise for my lack of detail this time... but it struck me quite soundly. it was touchable, like i could see all the small body movements with every thought you put to the reader.. even what you knew, i could see her move into the room, your eye movements, her eyes empty with grief and past pouring, your hands.... it all unfolded and told a bigger story. ze layers, love, ze layers. [:
beautiful song, hem. [:
beautiful song, hem. [:
13th Mar 2014 9:25pm
By Christ....'tis my favourite pair of eyes come lashing the page....yes J, layers....the usual obsession continues, and now I'm vain enough to try making the layers span poems...surely my death knell as a poet :-)
Nice to see you around, and to be splashed on your reading list :-)
hh
Nice to see you around, and to be splashed on your reading list :-)
hh
13th Mar 2014 8:59am
Cool plaintive nihilism of lives without options because even action feels like inaction - again nicely contained and portrayed - cool writings Hemi
13th Mar 2014 9:27pm
Cheers big W....you've dropped in on a couple now, so cheers, and welcome to this brand of madness :-)
hh
(lives without options....interesting :-)
hh
(lives without options....interesting :-)
13th Mar 2014 10:40am
From the both pieces you have written about this moment, it is like all of this played out in your mind and the physical at the same time or like a movie camera swinging from one scene to another... I don't know what I'm trying to say, but that is what came into my head lol.
Death often (or maybe always) brings reflection, new perspectives, thoughts to make ones own life better, without taking the time we have for granted etc and with each death those things stay with us a bit longer. I never plan too far ahead if I do plan.
This piece leaves me with a sigh.
Vivid and wonderfully written Hemi. :)
Death often (or maybe always) brings reflection, new perspectives, thoughts to make ones own life better, without taking the time we have for granted etc and with each death those things stay with us a bit longer. I never plan too far ahead if I do plan.
This piece leaves me with a sigh.
Vivid and wonderfully written Hemi. :)
13th Mar 2014 9:30pm
M, dead right....these scenes both play out like set-pieces, and I also record and express them that way...literally use the idea of panning the reader's eye across a scene like a camera would...seems to be pretty effective when I do it half right. It also works from a basic level; set the larger scene then zoom in to the detail....try it, you'll love it :-)
I like that you put both pieces on your reading list at the same time...they were written to 'sit' inside each other, and you doing that makes me feel like the idea wasn't lost....much love for that :-)
hh
I like that you put both pieces on your reading list at the same time...they were written to 'sit' inside each other, and you doing that makes me feel like the idea wasn't lost....much love for that :-)
hh
15th Apr 2014 2:04am
Incredibly real-- I love how you describe her brokenness and then your own, the lies that held you together and how it was 'always that way.' You've never shied away from casting a critical eye upon yourself and this is no different.
30th May 2014 11:15pm
sweet b, I missed your word-love….welcome back around my dear, and thank you for stopping in….still like this piece too, even after a while, so maybe we can agree on this one :-)
good on you.
hh.
good on you.
hh.
25th Jun 2014 5:33am
wow, I loved this poem, and definitely relate to the urge to fall back into an unhealthy relationship. I loved the way this told a story
1st Jul 2014 2:02am
Well cheers my dear.....always a gift to hear some kind of recognition of a life :-)
Good on you for cruisin' through.
h.h
Good on you for cruisin' through.
h.h
30th Jun 2014 4:13pm
H
Still making the world a more human place, one cautionary tale at a time. In the center of the storm it is hard enough to find a solid place to hold on for yourself. You can't wander off following those deliberately adrift, then neither of you are anchored. I like how you follow her (and we follow her) for just a bit with your mind. Like also how you keep true to two separate (but equally real) things : the physical facts at hand and the mental story at hand. The story is the part that we drag forward from the past, the part that will sweep you away if you don't keep a hold on the other part, here in the present.
Still making the world a more human place, one cautionary tale at a time. In the center of the storm it is hard enough to find a solid place to hold on for yourself. You can't wander off following those deliberately adrift, then neither of you are anchored. I like how you follow her (and we follow her) for just a bit with your mind. Like also how you keep true to two separate (but equally real) things : the physical facts at hand and the mental story at hand. The story is the part that we drag forward from the past, the part that will sweep you away if you don't keep a hold on the other part, here in the present.
1st Jul 2014 2:04am
Mate...welcome back, however briefly, to where we seem to recognise each other some days :-)
Yes, a small reminder to not let go one hand while outstretching the other. Old sailors rule; One hand for yourself, one hand for the boat.
One more time, nice to see you around man.
h.
Yes, a small reminder to not let go one hand while outstretching the other. Old sailors rule; One hand for yourself, one hand for the boat.
One more time, nice to see you around man.
h.
