deepundergroundpoetry.com
Moonshine
Like a wind that brings trees to the ground
Your strength is too much for me now
In silent waves, you knock me down
Yeah, I'm falling, falling down
Falling hard without a sound
Like the rain that soothes the desert lands
You're a balm on my heart full of sand
You soothe me as I fall in your hands
A master without making demands
Yeah, I fall into your hands
You're my master in command
Like a damaged flower that won't bloom
I've stunted growth under your moon
My roots can't strengthen without room
But wherever you go, I'll follow in my doom
Yeah, I'll follow you into the gloom
This flower isn't ready to bloom
Published 4th Jan 2014
| Edited 5th Jan 2014
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likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 8
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
4th Jan 2014 2:33pm
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Anonymous
4th Jan 2014 3:02pm
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4th Jan 2014 10:01pm
4th Jan 2014 11:30pm
Really like this, really good use of repetition of key phrases, particularly the use of bloom to link the start and end of the last verse. Nice work :) .
5th Jan 2014 5:12am
This was Awesome..love that last stanza.. the title along with the first stanzas made me think of being drunk..second stanza made me think of punch drunk love..last made me think of a love hangover that's hard to get over..truly enjoyed!!!
5th Jan 2014 6:18am
5th Jan 2014 6:38pm
This has a sense to it I really like. When I read it, it gave me a sense of resignation as though the voice of the poem who says "This flower isn't ready to bloom" is really saying "This flower will never bloom."
The rest of my comments are about minutia: I think the 5th line of the 1st stanza sounds much stronger removing the word "making" so it reads, "Falling hard without a sound." You have a typo in the 2nd line of the 2nd stanza: should be "You're."
Fantastic poem Jenn. I Look forward to reading all of them. I really am drawn to writers who use poetry as catharsis and I sense that is what you are doing.
The rest of my comments are about minutia: I think the 5th line of the 1st stanza sounds much stronger removing the word "making" so it reads, "Falling hard without a sound." You have a typo in the 2nd line of the 2nd stanza: should be "You're."
Fantastic poem Jenn. I Look forward to reading all of them. I really am drawn to writers who use poetry as catharsis and I sense that is what you are doing.
5th Jan 2014 8:36pm
I love it, this is nicely written
Favorite lines:
"Like a damaged flower that won't bloom "
"My roots can't strengthen without room "
good job
Favorite lines:
"Like a damaged flower that won't bloom "
"My roots can't strengthen without room "
good job
