Awaken

I can vividly remember the day I found myself. The day I woke up. The day I became the Leah I am today. I was 16 and a junior in high school. I had a boyfriend who graduated the year before, now in college.  My family hated him; they said he was too old for me. They were right. They only saw what I allowed them to see. No one else saw the pain I was dealing with, not even my friends. There was only one person whom I had allowed to witness my agony and that was my best friend DeeDee. She was the only person who knew about the mental, emotional, and sexual abuse I was experiencing.  
I was in math class taking a test which I couldn’t even focus on because I had just had a fight with my boyfriend via text. The fight stemmed from me telling them the truth about a boy who liked me at my church. Jared, my boyfriend already had some serious trust issues and always accused me of lying and cheating on him. Of course it is common that a cheating boyfriend always accused his girlfriend of stepping out on him. It was Jared who had cheated on me the first weekend he was away at college, by his second semester he had slept with countless girls and even contracted Chlamydia; which I of course did not have. Jared was calling me all types of names, saying that he was tired of my bullshit and he was through with me.  Him through with me? He couldn’t be serious, after everything I put up with from him? I reluctantly put my phone away and took my math test while holding back an ugly cry. After my test I ran downstairs, I just had to talk to DeeDee; she was in leadership class and I couldn't get her attention. It was just my luck that the leadership adviser Mr. George saw me and motioned me to leave from the door. I just couldn't take it anymore; I ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out.  Up until my relationship with Jared I had never in my life cried so much. The next period was my lunch period with Dee.
“Oh my goodness Leah, are you okay?” cried Dee as I walked into the lunchroom puffy eyed.
“He broke up with me” I whispered.
“What!? Why, what now? What could be the reason?”  She said rubbing my back. I honestly couldn't formulate the words to even give her an answer.  I just shrugged and started to cry all over again.
“Oh Leah it’s going to be okay, you don’t need stress like this” said Christy, one of my other friends. “You know what; you should come to the Valentine’s Day dance tonight. I know it kinda sucks because you just got dumped but you need to have some fun.”
She was so right; I needed to get my mind off of Jared.  I wiped my tears and smiled “You’re right, let’s all go!”
That day after school Dee and I didn’t walk home together; she had to set up for the dance, and I needed some time for myself. I walked home still sad, but excited at the same time; I even bought myself a pretty shirt to wear. I was almost home when I got a message from Jared saying that he was sorry and that he would do anything for me to take him back. That’s the thing about abusive men, they make things seem like it’s your fault, make you feel horrible about yourself then they flip it and say “I’m sorry, I don’t deserve you.”  It’s all manipulation, and Jared was no different. I told Jared that I wasn’t talking him back, and that I was going to the dance tonight. He said I was a selfish whore who never loved him. He had such a way with words.
When I got home, I received a phone call from Jared, again saying he was sorry and to please take him back. He also told me to listen to a song he had dedicated to me. Of course I listened to the song, in which the singer said he was going to change for his girlfriend after hurting her over a thousand times. Hearing those lyrics brought me to tears; I even contemplated calling Jared and getting back together with him. However there was a little voice inside me that said “Girl if you don’t wake up…”  And that is exactly what I did I woke up. I went to the dance that night and had a great time.
That was the day I woke up, the day I became the Leah I am today; supposedly. If I came to such a realization last year then why am I on the train to go see him today. I thought this to myself as I boarded the A train to Nostrand Avenue. As a senior in high school, my school day ended at 12:45. Jared had repeatedly been asking me to come and see him. He wasn’t in school anymore and he swore he was going to be a better boyfriend. He called me at least once a week pleading to me that he would fix everything between us. I knew it was all lies and that he wouldn’t change, but I convinced myself that if I was really over him, then seeing him wouldn’t evoke any type of emotions for him.  I was so nervous as I rang his doorbell. He didn’t waste any time answering the door; he seemed happy to see me.
“Leah, you look beautiful” He said quietly. I was wearing a brand new blue sun dress.
“Thank you” I whispered back. As we were walking into his living room I instantly feel regret coming to see him. I suddenly remember all of the tears I cried all of the pain I went through with him. All the times I yelled for him to stop when he kept going.  What was I doing here?
“I want you back Leah. I’m sorry for everything I put you through, I see my mistakes now and I’m ready to be a better person” He said as he grabbed my hands.
“I’m Jared I don’t that’s a good idea. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come.” I said taking my hands away from him.
“But I love you” He replied. His voice was getting louder and more stern, this way the Jared I knew.
“I should go” I got up and turned to leave. He stopped me at the door and pinned me against the frame.
“You don’t love me!?” he screamed as tears stung my eyes.
“No I’m sorry. Can you please let me go?” I asked quietly. I almost began to cry but then I realized that’s all he wanted. He wanted to control me and I wasn’t about to let him know he won. He still held my wrists tight.
“What are you going to do Jared? Hit me? Smack me around, bounce me off the walls? There is no pain you can possibly inflict upon me whether physical or emotional. Don’t you see that? I won Jared. I’m no longer afraid of you” I said holding back tears.
Jared’s eyes widened and let go of my wrists.
“But I love you” He whispered as he sat down on the couch.
“When you love someone, you don’t hurt them Jared.” I picked up my book bag and turned to leave. He didn’t say anything to me as I walked out.
When walking to the train I kept looking back to see if he was following me, I didn’t feel safe until I boarded the train back to Queens. I traveled in silence; I didn’t even listen to music. I needed to be alone with my thoughts.  I thought about how I questioned my intentions on the way here, whether or not I was falling in to the same trance that Jared once had me under.  I didn’t realize how strong of a person I was, being able to go and see someone who broke me down repeatedly. I went home with the satisfaction that I had overcome something bigger than myself.  As soon as I got home I called Dee and told her everything.
“I didn't tell you this at school but I went to see Jared.” I confessed.
“You did what? Leah please don’t tell me...” she said concerned.
“No Dee I ended things for once and for all. It’s over, everything is over. I’m free of him” I said as I started to cry.
“Oh Leah, I’m so happy for you. This will be a new beginning for you. The way place you go from here is up” she reassured me.
When I hung up the phone with Dee I had the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy that could now face my future head on and not worry about my past. I had truly awakened; I’m a better person than I ever was.