Tears Down My Face

As these tears stream down my face, they leave a trace of pain, anguish, distinguished from the aches and multiple breaks of my heart.

This heart, used to be hardened, never wanting to be burdened by the symptoms of being in love. Then it happened.

Twice.

Grabbed me like a vice grip. I wish it wasn't so stubborn and slip from her grasp. I was able to take it from him, although he and I will always stay by each other's side but never to rise above friendship. Our relationship is past-tense, as sometimes I want what we had back immensely, I have to keep myself back, he's married. The heartholder now, she's taken by someone else. Not officially though but it's obviously so that it's time for me to go, so go I must. I have to trust my own instincts and make myself extinct. I love her and the kids I've grown to love as my own, but they have a mommy and daddy

They don't need me

I know they love me as much as I love them. But I have to release them. Detach myself from them. As I am not related to them. They do not belong to me biologically.

I'm so devastated, so exasperated, so emaciated internally. All I want is to keep my family, I worked so hard to maintain it. My brain is encased in it. But I've had it.

I love her so much but I can't make her love me back. So I will back out, and keep backing out until there is no room left. No matter what fight and hope is left within me I need to nourish the inner me and bring the real me to surface the reality. Maybe even bring Lady Red out to guide me back to the hardened me.

I want so desperately for her to love me. Why can't she?

Maybe it's time to give up. Maybe she's not meant for me. Maybe my sexuality needs to be with the opposite only. I will always support LGBT and Pansexual I will always be, but maybe I belong with a man, as I can't seem to fit the standard of lesbian fems. Fems I am attracted to, studs too, but I'm not a fem in any way so away from them I stay.

I really hope the day comes when someone, anyone comes along and I will finally be where I belong. The streams of tears are long, dripping down my face to my neck..what the heck...I shouldn't have these streaming tears and these fears of losing them. I love  them. But she doesn't love me.

I have to get my heart back. I can feel it gradually coming back, as I continue to stand back and watch her many lovers fall to her feet. But not me. I only talk about what I see and feel and what is real.

I feel we were meant to be a family and for her to be in love with me but she doesn't feel the same for me...how many times have I said this in this poem already?? Sheesh..sad

I've got to get back to the real me. J. D.E, Telly Lady Red, something inside me that represents me!
I hope her and I were meant to be but I know someday I will be happy whether it's within the continuation of our life and family or just me..standing alone.

For once, God please, I beg of thee lead me to where I am meant to be. Please Lord, help me.

Set me free