deppression

deppression, illusions ,  delusions of life

noyone can know how deppression feels, unless they have suffered it
in one form or another,

heartbreak, sorrow, lonlyness, sadness, withdrawl, endless crying
feeling lost. abandoned, gutted from the inside out,
wearing your emotions on your shirt sleeve, appetite gone
confidance shattered, felling ostrisized from other human beings
cant relate, cope, crying all the time, forlorn, sick, weak, hopeless
life becomes a living death, seconds turn to mins, hours, days weeks,months, years
purgatory,
you feel like a failure, useless, forever in darkness, alone
the last person on the earth, noyone else can possibly feel like this
its pure mental  emotional, physical psycological torchure and pain
suwicide is always at the forfront of your mind, some say an easy way out
i say let them wear my shoes for a day, then judge me

monday 27th jan 2013

guess ive been deppressed most of my life, just didnt know it, mabye as young as 9
can you be deppressed at 9 ?, it would seem so







didnt sleep last night, meds arnt working, need something stronger
need sleep , am so tired, but almost afraid to shut my eyes
for fear of waking up feeling the same,
wish this was just some horrible dream, feel frightened all the time
not sure what of, just scared, lonely afraid
i hate the mornings, means i have to try and get through another day
alone, always alone,
dosent matter that i have family and friends that care, dosent alter my mood
i am so alone inside, in the pit of my tummy, makes me feel sick
feel like an empty lifeless shell, cant shake this entity that has invaded me
just want someone to hold and love me, take this feeling away
but i know noyone can, i hate it, makes me so angry
i punch doors, kick furniture, bang my fists off anything, just to get a responce
i scream, tear at my skin, go mad i suppose, lose it comepletely
then collapse in a heap on the floor, acking, bleeding, shattered, defeated
sobbing like a child,

dont know how i pick myself up and carry on, running on autopilot i guess
life demands i go on, it has no compassion, takes no prisoners, or forgiveness
i am a slave to it, house feels so empty, i cant stop crying,
try and do the house chores, havent the heart, just want to curl up in bed and die
find myself siting staring out the window a lot, not at anything in particuler
just staring, watching, wondering, watching the seasons change,
as my deppression carrys on from year to year, never ending
or so it would seem, tried counciling again, stuck it for a while, months i think,
all i did was cry, felt worse comming out, than when i went in
they say talking is  good for the soul, but i find it useless

went back to the doctors for the upteenth time, told him about my issues
hurting myself, losing control, going mad, so he referred me to the mental health
team, men in white coats territory, mabye they can help, who knows
am on stronger meds now, they finally let me sleep, and i kinda feel calmer
not as suwicidal , i am out of it most of the time, too tired to cry anymore
family have been good, sisters and brothers call round most days
just to make sure i am ok, i know they care , and i care that they care
there hugs help, they ask me to come stay with them, i decline,
almost as if i have to face this on my own, face to face
stare at the devil inside myself, and tell it to fuck off

its harder than you might think, courage is gone, but where
where do the good happy things inside us go, when deppression comes calling
i know things that happen in our lives, past and present, can cause it
things that we may hide deep in our subconcience, then some catalist
triggers them off, and they rise to confront us, giving us a reality check
i also know we need a stronger reason to live than die,
most of us have that built in, a will to survive nomatter what

i make myself a cup of tea, boil the kettle, watch the steam,
put the tea bag into the hot water, and watch it turn brown
it looks like its drowning , so i fish it out, save its life, makes me smile
at the madness of it all, i add the milk , tea turns lighter, spoon swirls it around
tapping off the edge of the cup, tap tap tap, the swirls calm me, as i stir , tap and watch,
for a moment i am calm, kinda like my old self, tap drips, i watch it for a while

drip, drip, drip, it soothes me, before i reach to turn it off properly
i used to like watching tv, had my fav progammes, mainly serial killer films,
detective shows , anything with murder and mahem in it, love ghosts , monsters and shit
anything that goes bump in the night, lake monsters, bigfoot, spaceships,
dont get me wrong , i dont beleive in any of it, its all shit, apart from the serial killer bit
i wonder why people feel the need to kill other people, not like in war
i mean lone killers stalking other people, mainly young woman, to torchure
and kill them, but why, mabye some people are supposed to play football, some sing, dance
act ect, and others kill, a chemical reaction, i dont know,

ive always wanted to kill people, i hate them, childhood shit i guess,
i wont go into it, just a bad time in my life, mabye thats the spectre
that haunts me now, the ghost of my past, most of us carry baggage
from childhood, past relationships,
i guess some people handle it better than others, what bothers one person
dosent bother another, people are always telling me i think too much
i have an over active imagination, i say so what, its just me
i went on the forums on the pc, deppressive illnesess
its amazing how many people are fucked up out there, makes me feel
i am not totally alone, seems it affects 1 in 100 people at any one time,
for a variety of reasons, the suwicide rate is hard reading, poor bastards
and i think i have it bad, we all have choices, thats what i used to tell myself
focus on the good things in our lives, friends, family, even pets,
someone once said, life is a set of coincedences, others say
there are no coincedences in life, its fate, i guess people beleive in
all differant things to keep them going, we all need something right
god, the devil,

i am just trying to survive each day at a time