deepundergroundpoetry.com
Unfolding
I wake dizzy in the eyelid of morning
where you have spent the night in orbit
around my dreams
like I am the sun and you are my world
my lashes flutter into early light
and you
are the smile I see
and we kiss
your exhale enters my inhale
and it's in that moment I remember
we can survive this way through anything
like the deepest ocean
or farthest galaxy
we rise with the birds
and sip our venti
white chocolate mocha's
and talk about the roots of our love
how we'd spent hours
as we poured our thoughts
secrets
souls into a glass
and sipped on them slow through a straw
like we were on vacation
candles lit as we
bathed for hours
in our memories and dreams
we never before had the guts to share with anyone
best friends
then as if cupid knew his arrow wouldn't be big enough
he shot a missile full of candy hearts
into our chests
the blast sent us ten feet above cumulus clouds
where no one
could rain on our parade
pterodactyls flapped their wings inside my stomach
as this new feeling I was not searching for immersed
then
you admitted your love
and I admitted mine
and we learned
we are more than everything
and nothing
we have ever waited for
where you have spent the night in orbit
around my dreams
like I am the sun and you are my world
my lashes flutter into early light
and you
are the smile I see
and we kiss
your exhale enters my inhale
and it's in that moment I remember
we can survive this way through anything
like the deepest ocean
or farthest galaxy
we rise with the birds
and sip our venti
white chocolate mocha's
and talk about the roots of our love
how we'd spent hours
as we poured our thoughts
secrets
souls into a glass
and sipped on them slow through a straw
like we were on vacation
candles lit as we
bathed for hours
in our memories and dreams
we never before had the guts to share with anyone
best friends
then as if cupid knew his arrow wouldn't be big enough
he shot a missile full of candy hearts
into our chests
the blast sent us ten feet above cumulus clouds
where no one
could rain on our parade
pterodactyls flapped their wings inside my stomach
as this new feeling I was not searching for immersed
then
you admitted your love
and I admitted mine
and we learned
we are more than everything
and nothing
we have ever waited for
Written by
raorrick
(Rachel O.)
Published 26th Jul 2013
| Edited 27th Jul 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 9
reading list entries 1
comments 22
reads 1347
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Unfolding
Anonymous
26th Jul 2013 11:30pm
pterodactyls flapped their wings inside my stomach
as this new feeling I was not searching for immersed
then
he admitted his love
and I admitted mine
beautiful rachel o...thanks for sharing your feelings
strider!
as this new feeling I was not searching for immersed
then
he admitted his love
and I admitted mine
beautiful rachel o...thanks for sharing your feelings
strider!
0
re: Re: Unfolding
Thank you Strider...I felt that butterflies were just too mild of a flutter :)
So glad you stopped by!
So glad you stopped by!
Re: Unfolding
26th Jul 2013 11:48pm
re: Re: Unfolding
27th Jul 2013 7:15am
Re: Unfolding
Anonymous
27th Jul 2013 2:06am
Wow! Rachel you painted these images so deftly on the canvas of my retina's..Beautiful! once again you remind me why you were the first poet I chose to follow :)
0
re: Re: Unfolding
27th Jul 2013 7:17am
Aww, I didn't know I was your first...that is so flattering. Thank you for telling me and for this beautiful comment :)
Re: Unfolding
27th Jul 2013 3:42am
As nopoetiknow said, this is also why you were the first person I chose to follow.
As everyone stated above, this is beautiful, Rachel. Quite beautiful to be exact! It is oh so sweet and is very touching.
As everyone stated above, this is beautiful, Rachel. Quite beautiful to be exact! It is oh so sweet and is very touching.
0
re: Re: Unfolding
27th Jul 2013 7:23am
Jessica you are always so sweet and flattering. I love when you stop by, it always means a lot to me, so thank you :)
Re: Unfolding
27th Jul 2013 6:44am
Rachel,
wonderful stuff, I've been waiting patiently for this for a week or so now ;)
couple of clashes in there tense wise, you start off in the now and then go into the past for no apparent reason in the fourth stanza, easily fixed though by changing words like poured and sipped into pour and sip etc
also, you changed perspective a bit near the end, where you were using 'you and I, you changed it to He at a crucial moment
"he admitted his love
and I admitted mine "
anyhow, nits aside, as said, wonderful stuff Rachel, happy as a pig in shit for you :)
shine on
wonderful stuff, I've been waiting patiently for this for a week or so now ;)
couple of clashes in there tense wise, you start off in the now and then go into the past for no apparent reason in the fourth stanza, easily fixed though by changing words like poured and sipped into pour and sip etc
also, you changed perspective a bit near the end, where you were using 'you and I, you changed it to He at a crucial moment
"he admitted his love
and I admitted mine "
anyhow, nits aside, as said, wonderful stuff Rachel, happy as a pig in shit for you :)
shine on
0
re: Re: Unfolding
Haha, thank you kindly for your patience Eamonn.
I am so appreciative of your constructive and kind feedback. Hopefully I cleared up the tense issues and am so glad you caught the change in perspective.
Always thrilled when you stop by as you know :)
I am so appreciative of your constructive and kind feedback. Hopefully I cleared up the tense issues and am so glad you caught the change in perspective.
Always thrilled when you stop by as you know :)
Re: Unfolding
Anonymous
27th Jul 2013 12:42pm
This spoke loudly throughout, beautiful to find yourself in such a place in life-with such magic around and finding this love..wonderful work, Rachel :-)
0
re: Re: Unfolding
30th Jul 2013 2:02am
Thank you miki, it is a beautiful place to be in...and sadly, so rare.
So glad you stopped by :)
So glad you stopped by :)
Re: Unfolding
29th Jul 2013 3:28pm
Welcome back, girl. I missed your poetry. This was phenomenal, as always. Rock on, Rachel!
Gemini
Gemini
0
re: Re: Unfolding
Re: Unfolding
29th Jul 2013 5:56pm
Hi Rachel. Love the vision painted with your words. The personal inflections give this the feel of a lovers diary, a journal of life enjoined.
The Starbucks moment brings a shot of daily life amplified with the wonder of two souls immersed in each other :)
Many touching lines and in the end the one that jumps at me is "Best friends." Not another fleeting infatuation or lust driven obsession.... best friends are birthed from a lot of honest, genuine sharing.
Thank you for sharing this soulful smile with us!
The Starbucks moment brings a shot of daily life amplified with the wonder of two souls immersed in each other :)
Many touching lines and in the end the one that jumps at me is "Best friends." Not another fleeting infatuation or lust driven obsession.... best friends are birthed from a lot of honest, genuine sharing.
Thank you for sharing this soulful smile with us!
0
re: Re: Unfolding
30th Jul 2013 3:32am
Thank you!
Yes, so few relationships start with that foundation of friendship and companionship. Being able to have coffee, and share in each other's company is something lacking with a lot of couples it seems.
I am glad you were able to find something in this piece.
So very glad you stopped by. :)
Yes, so few relationships start with that foundation of friendship and companionship. Being able to have coffee, and share in each other's company is something lacking with a lot of couples it seems.
I am glad you were able to find something in this piece.
So very glad you stopped by. :)
Re: Unfolding
Anonymous
29th Jul 2013 8:33pm
Ohhhh to feel that wonderful feeling again!!! You penned the emotion well Rachel, thank you for reminding me that it Does still exist!
0
re: Re: Unfolding
30th Jul 2013 3:35am
Lol, yes it does exist and seemingly when you are least expecting it. So glad you stopped by, thank you :)
Re: Unfolding
Anonymous
10th Aug 2013 7:32pm
This is really beautiful, you are really talented.
0
re: Re: Unfolding
11th Aug 2013 4:57am
Re: Unfolding
20th Aug 2013 5:26am
"and we learned
we are more than everything
and nothing
we have ever waited"
Powerful ending to a beautiful write. Thanks for sharing sweetheart. You always amaze me with you poems.
we are more than everything
and nothing
we have ever waited"
Powerful ending to a beautiful write. Thanks for sharing sweetheart. You always amaze me with you poems.
0
re: Re: Unfolding
20th Aug 2013 7:03am