DIVINE LAUGHTER  FAINTLY MOCKING      

         
earlier in the day        
my thoughts flew over        
constellations        
of mustard flowers        
where space          
is not green          
i thought        
but those fields and hills        
splattered with        
micro milky ways          
of tiny          
yellow stars          
seemed to make          
me dream        
in the suddenness          
and blurs        
of their hypnotic      
car windowed        
passing          
         
now nights still weight        
this ancient            
drowning lake        
opens like        
an ocean wake        
of justifiable escape        
or temporary        
erasure        
all around me          
              
leaning against a tree        
solaced by its        
silent strength        
silhouetted boughs        
and leaves          
surround        
and frame        
half eaten moon        
above          
         
i am here        
at this        
too late hour        
out of some        
primal devotion        
or blind        
insatiable need        
i seem to        
naturally derive        
from its nocturnal        
mysterys        
infusion          
         
too late        
or too soon        
to detect        
just which current        
or world        
i am presently        
more afloat in        
between these        
fleeting glimpses        
of random        
sunlit scenes        
still lingering        
on my senses        
from earlier        
today        
or in these        
internal        
shadow lands        
which swallow me        
whole        
from the inside out        
then spit me          
back out        
onto the dark ground        
of recyclic        
discarded        
forgotten being        
just as here now        
yet again        
before it even recurs        
where im trapped        
once more        
in this baffling limbo        
of conflictive feelings        
beyond the sleepless        
outer stirrings          
of this restless night        
where slippery time        
is released            
into this eerie          
all encasing darkness        
everywhere        
around me          
         
i stand here now        
in my hollow          
listening        
so hopeful        
for the unmistakable        
touch        
of something real        
yet eternal        
to find me        
something more        
than these lines        
of filtered thoughts        
and words        
or these encroaching        
invisible footsteps        
now encircling          
me here        
can ever        
more fully        
bring me        
         
half blind        
in the dark        
still somewhere          
out there        
beyond        
all these thoughts        
that only suppress        
and mask        
my inner fears        
and doubts        
at least to        
the degree        
that i am even here        
with two or three        
lurking shadows        
now slowly closing in        
where for one        
brief moment          
somewhere between        
this immediate sense        
of danger        
risk and fear      
amidst      
my electrically      
heightened      
inner tension      
beyond the horny      
primal      
sexual thrill        
of my compulsive        
nocturnal          
behavioral addiction        
i thought for a moment        
i briefly heard        
the unsettling sound        
of divine laughter        
faintly mocking        
my even being here        
still habitually        
acting out        
in what seems        
here presently        
perhaps        
as the only way        
i compulsively        
know how to    
presently    
cope with    
tend to    
and effectively deal    
with all these    
yin yang    
conflictive    
feelings i feel    
yet which still        
leaves me        
afterwards        
nonetheless        
feeling        
so hopelessly        
so desperately        
so unresolvedly      
both lost    
and ironically    
pleasurably found    
at the very    
same time    
through my    
compulsively    
acting out    
in this consciously    
chosen    
intentional celebration    
and in my    
no holds barred    
heatedly raw    
wild total      
over indulgence    
in feeding    
these two seemingly    
opposite    
yet in truth    
divinely inseparable    
parts of my    
greater true    
spiritual beings    
unified  sacred    
wholeness    
via such holey    
holy or unholy    
down on my knees    
or back    
prayerful    
worship    
outside here in    
this dark    
public park    
while most    
of the rest    
of this local    
human world    
around me    
are still safely    
sound asleep    
and dreaming    
contentedly secure    
in the cultural myth    
and their    
own blind  
programmed belief  
in their own  
so called sense of security  
and unsustainable  
stability  
locked up so tightly  
in their mainstream  
little and not    
so little    
suburban lives    
and    
houses
contentedly sleeping
away
yet still so
unknowingly  
lost