friends with drugs

It’s all been down hill
since she offered me ecstasy
and I took it
a little pill that was a gateway to nowhere
my non-event experiment to not getting high

The day was painted with beer and speedballs
and I walked over the bodies in an ironic sobriety
that would have put me to shame if I’d ascended
anywhere above my own gravity

And they say, the road to hell
is paved with good intentions
because we’re not setting out to knife our friends
and fuck each other’s boyfriends
we just want a second where we feel completely alive
and free of pain

Yet my walls are piled high with the broken glass
of unmet promises and plans that got smoked up
the night before
coupled with the loop of I love you, and I love you, and I love you
where it loses all meaning when slurred enough times
in grim apology because she can’t remember what she said

And she’s just not getting
that trust isn’t found at the bottom of the fourth beer bottle
and beyond
or a text message days overdue, free of explanation
and a sorry that seems more rushed than sincere

Years of love, and keeping secrets that involve
needles in bathrooms, black eyes and drug deals gone wrong
aren’t adding up to a better tomorrow
when tomorrow is just rhetorical and has been for longer
than I’ve been listening to the inside-out version of her soul

It’s all been down hill
since she offered me ecstasy
and I took it
giving into the yes culture that
has me chasing a reality check every couple of years

In the non-event of a long overdue experiment
the landscape of friendship looked different
 ‘cause despite all the pretty words
I’m the only one that’s been working towards a better tomorrow
that doesn’t end with the sentence
“I can stop any time”

It’s all been down hill
since she offered me ecstasy

© Indie Adams 2013