The Word and Verse                                  P 2      June 2013

 The word and verse is an independent publication put together  
by members of DU for the purposes of entertainment and is in no  
way intended to offend or cause outbursts of suicide.
 
 
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               News In briefs  
 
Charity begins in the womb
 
In a show of pure selflessness Madame Lavender has donated all her  lady parts to Mike the engineer where the two will be working on a bi-sexual-borg-clone type thing (help me out here someone), mike though, the gentleman that he is , insisted she hang on to one breast and the front door, said he'd hang onto the other breast for the foreseeable future.
 
 
Trippin the porch fandango
 
lightbarron has taken to squatting on some strangers porch,(he calls the owner kali, but we think he might have just the fair Calliban on his mind) and has been belting out the poetry about the view and the long grass..  long grass! it's all becoming clear now. This Muggle suspects that he was staggering home after a night on the moonshine (anyone remember deliverance?) and smelled 'the long grass' then simply set up home on the porch "will clean out your plumbing for board Miss kali" type thing.  get in there LB! ..and that big black dog ..it's probably the gardener ;)      
 
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                    No comment  
 
on the ask a question thread hemi asked "ever had a leech on your privates?
 
braggman : Yes, but we got a divorce eventually.  
 
 
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         Bodies and ballsacks and babes, oh my!
 
By I.P. Freely. (Not related to Ace.)
 
Things up close and personal in the forums this month.  
Close as in, "Hey, see this restraining order? Yeah. So pull up your pants, put down the bags of microwave popcorn and engine oil, and back away very slowly."  
It was scary, peeps. Damn scary.  
 
For opening ceremonies, Craic Dealer enacted the Wil Wheaton law: Don't be a Dick.  
Craic opened the show and laid his shit on the table. When the ladies, and Matt, stopped giggling about how cute it was, Craic confessed his cleavage preference. (Cause he ain't want none unless you got BUNS, hon.)  
Then, he said 1980s music defines him.  
To honor his gross misuse of moderation, we dedicate "Turning Japanese" to him.  
For members not alive in the 1980s, fuck off.  
(Oh, uh, it's uh, a snarky reference to wanking. The fact that you didn't get it ruined it and makes me need vodka.)  
 
Hemihead started writing at 16 and blah, blah, blah... on topic.  
Point for us all to keep in mind... he SAYS he's never buried a body at sea.  
But also made clear how very easy it would be.  
Ladies wanting to float that boat... consider a panic button disguised as jewelry. Like get one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" necklaces before you ask for permission to board.  
 
Hemi also taught a quick sex-ed class.  
Star pupil Lacy Spacey passed the final exam when she announced babies are made when you, and we quote, "Stick it in her and pee."  
Who says you can't get a well-rounded education from the Internet?!  
 
Violet claimed that she is not the omnipresent goddess we all think she is.  
She also let loose clues to the secret society we are currently trying to infiltrate. (We'll keep you posted on how that goes.)  
Code word: Library.  
Translation: Bathroom.  
In this vein we've determined that "reading" is wiping with triple-ply toilet tissue, and "writing" is... well, we're trying to keep this a family show.  
 
Mr. A. proved again his total prowess at fiction when he said he does laugh.  
(What? He doesn't really write fiction? Shit.)  
Subject change: Boy thinks he can sang.  
And there may be tattoos under his ball hair. That's something to think about.  
Not sure exactly what, but a thought's a though.  
 
As always Jack provided the sanity and intellect with his turn in the hot-seat. His answers were bold and poignant. A thinker, our Jack is.  
And, he left everyone feeling a little better about life with his words of wisdom, "You can't spend all day wanking and sniffing glue in a garage if you want to make poems."  
Deep shit, my man.  
 
 
Maggie G took bibliophilia to a new level, and we've asked the bouncers to check her pants for hardcovers before she's allowed back in.  
She's quite weird about dropping her drawers, she says. We would like to see that.  
Especially after she went on about sitting on things, waiting for the beef and... devices.  
Did anyone else get the urge to hump a thesaurus'? No? Just me?  
Shit.  
 
The Baron of Light's got the moves like Jagger.  
(Wrong reference. Sorry. ITunes is being an assbag right now. Type in Jagger and that's the first thing, right.) �  
What I meant is, he can't get no satisfaction.  
Satisfaction itself doesn't satisfy the man.  
What the shit?! Doesn't a wormhole open up over Rio in extreme paradoxes?  
Whatever, I don't know anyone in Rio; so, so be it.  
He wants to be an action hero when he grows up. (Anyone else dying to be all "yeah, man, like Nacho Libre!" No? Come ON people, work with me here.)  
Secretly though, he's a romantic.  

 
The coolest person on the Interwebs is not Ataki. (I know, right? Shocked the snot out of me, too.)  
But, she doesn't drink coffee.  
That's a prerequisite for the title.  
OK, it might not be a prereq, which means she's still in the running.  
Ataki talked about loosing sleep, being wet and counting strokes.  
(I borrowed some of Jack's sniffing-glue. I felt woozy reading that. So sassy Ataki. Sooo sassy.)  
Her current stroke standards are impressive. And she intends they increase.  
(Glue, please.)  
Then the temptress talked about her legs, and how long they were.  
Good god, woman!  
 
 
GiGi popped in and popped out.  
And in.  
And out.  
She's magic!  
 
Miss Sub ran with the erotic theme, discussing her current obsession, and talking about, ahem, a cat under her bed.  
(Read between the lines, folks. Cats... kitties... follow me? Aw, come the hell on. We're not talking dust kitties... we're talking... cats. You KNOW. Things that like to be petted and such. It's really hard to lie well when you're all so damn dense. A pussy-cat. Pussy.)  
She went so far as to say if she were on the floor, that cat would be right in her face.  
What we wouldn't give to be a floor in that room.  
She, too, talked about electronic devices, and how lead her to nature.  
We love it when she talks naturism.  
(Just in case you missed the joke: Naturism = nudism. Google it. I give up with you people.)  
 
 
Evan answered his questions in one line. I kept reading the lines. After extreme moments of "What weird oubliette did we all just climb out of and how do we put Matt in there?" we accepted the reality that...  
Evan left nothing for us to pick on him about.  
Which in itself is worth pointing and laughing at.  
All please stand, point, and repeat after me...  
Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa! �  
 
Caliban's favorite ice-cream is mint-chocolate chip. I saw several dudes wearing mint-chocolate chip pants following that announcement.  
Just sayin.  
Poetry is more her f-buddy than her soul mate.  
Raise your hand if you'd like to personify poetry in mint-chocolate chip pants.  
(Yes. My hand is raised. What, I'm supposed to be objective? Why doesn't anyone tell me this shit in advance?)  
OK, that's not entirely true. The beauteous Caliban actually said, "I think a poet is someone who has a consuming life passion for poetry. I have more of a acquaintanceship than an relationship with it."  
 
 
We were taken down amnesia lane for the DU History of the Trolls, and the Golden Age of Awesome with Lord Viddax.  
Lordly one said he did not have sexual relations with that Lewinski woman. Which is sort of a lie. But only if you don't have the secret code words.  
"sexual relations" = "real relationship" and "that Lewinski woman" = "Webmistress."  
Plus, he has brown eyes, which could mean he's filled with poo.  
�  
We found out that Bragg's avatar is "Two Rabbits, Pampas Grass, and Full Moon" a woodcut by Hiroshige. Well, that's what he says.  
I still don't see it.  
It's totally a duck jacking off.  
(The white pointy things are the beak, the dot is the eyeball... see it? Look at the position. Head thrown back. Body arched. Splashes. Totally a duck wanking.)  
 
 
miki seems to be transitioning well, and tried to mention in passing that she's �an advocate and activist for medical marijuana.  
Now we're talking.  
I see some anal glaucoma in my future: I just can't see my ass getting off the pot jokes.  
Actually, I don't have any pot jokes. I forgot them all when I was stoned.  
But I also saw Jesus or Luke Perry in a saltine then, so it's cool.  
 
 
Carla confessed that she's into confessional poetry right now.  
"I also love how it's personal yet almost always deeply relatable," the Slag said.  
Unlike Bragg's avatar.  
A fan of Sexton over Plath (heh heh, you said Sex ton. Actually, I said it... shut up Butthead.)  
(And it just occurred to me that an entire generation here won't get that reference either. I'm drunk at this point. I just can't take you all anymore. Shut up and stop judging me!)  
Carla talked about insecurity, and it was relatable. "I don't think I will ever get over it. I'm still unsure but it doesn't keep me from writing anymore. I've realized if I let it hinder me I will never be of quality," she said.  
 
Mr. Gemini might be a closet Red Sox fan. He gave an example of why he'd root for them.  
So. Many. Shocking. Secrets.  
I need a taco after that one.  
He's definitely got the multiple personality thing ... uh, I mean, he's totally a Gemini, his innermost desires including a couple of babes, and philanthropy.  
 
Matt is not, and I repeat, NOT, Bragg's gay cousin.  
It was close there for a few minutes. While the DNA test is still pending, the attorney's for both parties realized it wasn't geographically feasible.  
That made me sad.  
I was looking for kindred co-writes from BraggMatt.  
I pictured a reunion in which Bragg took gay-cousin-Matt to Taco Bell, bought him a Cool Ranch Doritos Taco, and then, in that fit of familial bonding, the entire restaurant, including the drive-through customers, would have busted into show-tunes.  
(Sniffle)  
It would have been beautiful  
In the meantime, someone buy the kid a taco already.  
 
 
Scribbler12 is a recluse and a likes to look in windows while wearing ... wait, they lawyers said I'm not allowed to lie that much. Even if I'm drunk?  
Well screw you, buddy.  
Scrib likes confessional poetry, too. from the outside looking into other people's lives.  
Seriously, Mr. Suit, you're going to tell me that doesn't make him sound like a creeper? Not the Scooby-Doo creeper... I can't say that?  
Where's my vodka. I'm done.  
 
The second power couple showed up. (First being Mr. and Mrs. Gemini, and while Mrs. Gemini didn't get in the hot seat, she was a visible presence.)  
The entire site wept when Starlight Angel said she was not topless in her picture.  
First Jack tells us to not wank and sniff glue.  
Then Bragg isn't going to buy Matt a taco.  
How much disappointment can we take?  
Lots. Obviously.  
She did make us feel better when she said she'd run around the stage in lingerie several times.  
(Would I get punched in the face if I asked for photographic proof? How hard would this punch be?)  
 
Her honey, the reason we would never, never, never, ever ask about Starlight Angel's lingerie, Pierre The Mad showed the hell up.  
Turns out PTM is really Dr. Evil  
Evil geniuses get all the babes.  
(Missed that reference, too, huh? What the fuck? Google "In the spring we'd make meat helmets." Oh! Right! Now you remember it. You are a shitty crowd.)  
 
 
Indie was put in the hot seat.  
Then Hemi was Indie.  
Yep.  
I'd sort of suspected that for a while, but didn't have enough evidence to say it aloud without getting my ass royally stomped by Hemindie.  
As we all know, Hemindie is the Etruscan word for for"I'm a man, pretending to be a man, pretending to be a woman who prefers sex with women because I'm actually a man."  
And then Hemi butted out.  
 
 
Indie was so damn cool and Indie-y.  
She also introduced what I believe will be the next explosion in fashion trends.  
She was wearing a {}.  
Which is shorthand for a Null set.Like a twin-set but more incomprehensible and less prissy.  
Hot damn , I want one in blue, if blue is available in the abstract.  
 
Deathpuppy may be Ataki's' new bouncer.  
As if she couldn't kick our asses on her own.  
But it was sweet and disturbing. Puppy went so far as to wipe the cheese whiz out of his belly button. Which was both nice and really disturbing.  
 
That's all the sick shit I can take from you nut-jobs. I'm going to go make out with a statue of Paul Revere and sing hair-band power ballads with my friend, Lady Vodka.  
 
Until then, or whatever,  
- I.P Freely  
 
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                  Ask the Doc
 
Doc, I have a huge collection of Hannah Montana products. I am a real fan, and these things make me happy. The problem is, my girlfriend of five weeks came over and saw my collection, and now she won't return my calls. How do I win her back?
 
N. Klassi in Boise, Idaho
 
N, first off, how did it take you 5 weeks to get your girlfriend to come over? Although, I can imagine the kind of social skills you possess, which brings me to -  
 
Wtf is WRONG with you man? Hannah Montana? I can't tell you how tasteless and revolting that is. There's not enough room here to list everything that is wrong with this picture.
 
Everyone knows that the coolest singer is Selena Gomez. Get a message to your girlfriend that you have switched to Selena, instead.
 
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                   No Comment  
 
your main problem is your ambition's all bolted on wrong.  
in the words of the immortal jack sparrow "you need to find yourself a girl, mate."
 
- anna_grin on the 'Masterpiece Or Not?' thread
 
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                  Less news more briefs
 
update:            make love not bacon
 
ahh, It warms the heart to see change of this magnitude. folks, I'm delighted to say that our Evan has thrown away his arms (..think about that one for a minute) and embraced an all loving, all inclusive philosophy that can be seen on his new profile pic where he is holding the international sign for a gay threesome. http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poets/AscensionES/ ..fair dinkum brah   http://youtu.be/p6bWkIWJw4w
 
 
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