deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Milky Way
Imagine making love amongst the stars with the
Milky way for our bed while the galaxy watch.
As the planets orbits around us our climax would
Be like that of a supernova creating our own constallation.
Interstellar lovers traveling the cosmos on a cloud of
Stardust with the rings of Saturn I thee wed making you
the queen of my universe.
Written by Keith Edward Baucum aka The Green Poet aka Red Seven aka The Brown Philosopher
Milky way for our bed while the galaxy watch.
As the planets orbits around us our climax would
Be like that of a supernova creating our own constallation.
Interstellar lovers traveling the cosmos on a cloud of
Stardust with the rings of Saturn I thee wed making you
the queen of my universe.
Written by Keith Edward Baucum aka The Green Poet aka Red Seven aka The Brown Philosopher
Published 9th Jun 2013
| Edited 5th Sep 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
11th Jun 2013 3:43pm
So unique and creative--- a very imaginative way to describe the passionate union between two soul-mates.
When you experience such intense feelings for another, it sometimes feels like you want to offer them the whole universe.>>>("...with the rings of Saturn i thee wed making you/The queen[or, king]of my universe") This part is my fav!! [welll...that , and ..."our climax would/Be like that of a super nova creating our own constellation...."~~so intense, and vivid!)
Ummmmm...may i gently point out just a few minor points ?
Adding some punctuation could really help with the flow, as well as permitting each of your special descriptions to really stand out.Punctuation also gives your readers opportunities to better appreciate the quality, and meaning,of this piece.
Some examples might include:
Try using a ' dash ' (---) following "stars", and then, beginning the next line with the words--"With the Milky Way for our bed..." This will help to connect your "action"(making love)to your descriptive setting(where the action occurs). Placing a comma after 'bed' allows your readers a moment to pause and appreciate the second part of the setting(the galaxy is watching, too.)
These are only my suggestions. :) You certainly do not have to agree with them, at all. (LOL!)
This poem is still remarkable !! Thank you for sharing your talent with us.
Welcome to the DUP!!
Sioch`ain leat,
Enchantress
When you experience such intense feelings for another, it sometimes feels like you want to offer them the whole universe.>>>("...with the rings of Saturn i thee wed making you/The queen[or, king]of my universe") This part is my fav!! [welll...that , and ..."our climax would/Be like that of a super nova creating our own constellation...."~~so intense, and vivid!)
Ummmmm...may i gently point out just a few minor points ?
Adding some punctuation could really help with the flow, as well as permitting each of your special descriptions to really stand out.Punctuation also gives your readers opportunities to better appreciate the quality, and meaning,of this piece.
Some examples might include:
Try using a ' dash ' (---) following "stars", and then, beginning the next line with the words--"With the Milky Way for our bed..." This will help to connect your "action"(making love)to your descriptive setting(where the action occurs). Placing a comma after 'bed' allows your readers a moment to pause and appreciate the second part of the setting(the galaxy is watching, too.)
These are only my suggestions. :) You certainly do not have to agree with them, at all. (LOL!)
This poem is still remarkable !! Thank you for sharing your talent with us.
Welcome to the DUP!!
Sioch`ain leat,
Enchantress
11th Jun 2013 4:18pm
Thank you for your comment
I wish i had paid more attention in english class
Because my writing shows that i didnt
I wish i had paid more attention in english class
Because my writing shows that i didnt
